Janean. Just Janean

Finding Sunshine...

2011-09-23T10:27:00.000-07:00

I try to find the bright spots in my darkness. At times, things can be pretty dark in my world dealing with something that I have no answers for and can not explain.

Mental Illness and Addiction {Dual Diagnosis} are like two separate gruesome demons. They mask themselves at times and you have a slight glimmer or glimpse of the person you know is in there. Other times it rears it's ugly head and sends you reeling.

Trying to separate your emotions from love, fear, anger and desperation becomes a daunting task that takes you on a roller coaster day by day. It is a wonder that I have not developed some sort of disorder of my own. {perhaps I have and don't know it!}

I have to be one person in dealing with Taylor, yet another in my mothering of my other three sons and yet another as a wife to a husband who is too growing weary of this affliction that our son is trapped by. I then am a business owner and nanny too.

Honestly when people marvel at my strength, it is all due to my faith. I know that God is mighty to save. I know He has my back and without the promise of hope in each new day, I can't say that I would be who I am today.

I want to run, hide and escape my life. I know the Lord does nothing by accident. There IS a purpose in all this madness. I may never know what that is, but wish to pass His test. I want to hear "Well done, my good and faithful servant".

I look at the blessings that the Lord showers upon me. People He places in my life to make me laugh and help me to rediscover who He created me to be. You see, I have been a bit lost. I have been in survival mode, and still am to a degree.

For a long time I have held back. Taken things slow. Waiting for things to get messed up. Disorder and chaos has been so rampant in my life that I have come to expect that all good things will end. I forgot who I was in all of this. I forgot how to laugh, how to smile and how to believe in ME.

I am digging my way out. I am learning my limits, learning to say no and be okay with not doing all the things I think I should take on. I cherish the little things and appreciate the "moments" when they come.

I treasure the friends that the Lord has brought to come along side me on this path. As I look back I see different people, some still here, some not; that He has brought into our lives. Each one plays a role in helping me know that He is sovereign. He is provisional and unconditional.

Yesterday was a very no good, simply rotten, horrible day. Today I will find the sunshine and keep holding on to the promise of a better tomorrow.
XOXO
Janean

Something to hold on to...

2011-09-16T11:34:00.000-07:00

Life for me is so unpredictable right now. One day I think things are looking up and the next the world seems to be coming to an end. I always thought that I was cut out to care for Children with Special Needs. I do have a lot of patience, but dealing with my son's mental illness is proving to be so much more that I ever imagined.

He started taking a new medication via injection on Wednesday. So far it is not going very well. He has angry outbursts, paces around talking to himself, won't go to sleep at night and is ultra obsessive. It is just completely unexplainable. I prayed and am still praying that this medication will help his condition. It just has to. I do not know what else to do.

I cling to the fact that Jesus loves me more than I will ever know and that he died to know me. I know this love. I have it for all of my children. I would gladly endure anything necessary to make the world right for them. All I can do is pray for my son, which I do all day long. When he is angry and yelling, I pray. When he is confused, I pray. When he is talking to "invisible people", I pray. When he refuses his medications, I pray. When his body is contorting in wild movements, I pray.

The financial challenges we are facing dwarf in comparison. I can almost handle being evicted over the minute by minute watch I am on with my son.

I need you. I need you to pray on my behalf. This problem is so much bigger than I can even explain.

I have no answers. Only God does. So, I wait. I hold on to the hope that there is an answer.

XOXO
Janean

My son...His son.

2011-09-13T12:11:00.000-07:00

The Lord blessed me with my first son December 14, 1990. He will soon be 21. I longed for this child, and prayed for him. He entered the world beautiful and happy. He was the light of our world. He did everything early, sat up at 5 mo., walked at 8 mo., and talked before he was a year old. He was perfection.

He grew to be a talented little boy excelling in sports and skateboarding. He loved people, made lots of friends and had the most caring and compassionate heart. He loved going to church and loved the Lord. He accepted Jesus on a cold Halloween night when he was just 7. He then dressed as a Preacher complete with a Bible and went door to door trick-or-treating asking people if they too had the love of Jesus in their heart.

He was Baptized that Thanksgiving at our little Church in Lee's Summit, MO. He was so proud, as were we. He started having a bit of trouble in school with learning. He was diagnosed with a disability in written and oral language in the third grade. Although he struggled he still did well in school.

In Middle School he started to clown around in class to divert the attention away from the fact he was not getting the lessons. He started to get into a bit of trouble and then is when we learned he had been exposed to marijuana. One Sunday afternoon he broke down before we headed out for Church. He told me he was a bad person and that he did not belong in our family or belong at Church. It was then he told us that he had been using marijuana at age 14.

My world was turned upside down. I never thought or dreamed that one of MY sons would use drugs. We thought we were doing all the right things as parents. We went seeking help from family, church and medical professionals on how to "deal" with this situation.

Over the next couple years we were faced with a rebellious teen who skipped school, continued to use drugs and experiment with alcohol. We enrolled him in youth programs that educated him on the dangers of drugs and alcohol use, took him on tours of the jails and had him report to an Officer twice a month. We felt we were getting a handle on things and were thrilled when he got a job at age 16. He did well there and got several promotions. He had a beautiful girlfriend and life was somewhat normal.

We by then had 4 sons in all. Trenton was born when Taylor was 5, then Turner when Taylor was 13 followed by Trevan when he was 14. We attributed some of Taylor's behavior to the fact that he was crying out for attention. The "babies" took a lot of our time and perhaps he was needing to feel like he was still important.

Our lives changed forever on a crisp afternoon in January. I received a frantic phone call from a woman who told me my son was found in the road bleeding from the head unconscious. She thought he had been hit by a car. She told me the location and I did not know which son she was referring to at that moment. Both Taylor and Trenton were out, one on their skateboard and one on their bike.

I scooped up my little ones and shuffled them to a neighbor's home. Another neighbor came around the corner and I told her what happened. She put me in her car and we drove to the scene as quickly as possible. Arriving there within minutes just behind the ambulance, I see it is Taylor. His head is wrapped in a baby's security blanket of the woman who found him. Blood is soaking through the soft pink fabric. He is still.

A fury of phone calls to my husband, my parents and my Bible Study Leader. I rode in the front of the ambulance turning my body so I could see my son laying motionless in the back. I prayed like I have never prayed before. "Lord, please don't let him die."

As it turned out, my son had been skateboarding too fast down a hill, without a helmet. He hit a manhole cover and struck his head on it. He suffered a skull fracture and 3 brain bleeds. He has never been or will ever be the same.

He become very angry with violent outbursts after the accident. His short term memory was non-existent. He could not remember things he learned in school. He declined rapidly and dropped out of school. He was forced to quit his job because he could not remember simple tasks asked of him. This led quickly to a severe deep depression. We went from doctor to doctor for help - only to have meds thrown at him that he refused to take. He then started to self medicate with drugs and alcohol.

For three years now we have watched our son live in a hell. Held captive by the voices in his head. Our lives have been tormented beyond belief as we have tried to keep him safe and alive. He has been hospitalized 12 times for either an overdose of drugs and alcohol or for trying to take his life. He has been arrested, gone to jail and put into 4 rehabs. He has been diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder and OCD.

This a mental disorder characterized by recurring episodes of elevated or depressed mood, or of simultaneously elevated and depressed mood, that alternate with, or occur together with, distortions in perception.Schizoaffective disorder most commonly affects cognition and emotion. Auditory hallucinations, paranoia, bizarre delusions, or disorganized speech and thinking with significant social and occupational dysfunction are typical.

We are faced now with no options for our child. He functions on a 12-13 year old level. He requires a lot of care. There is no where for him to live. California will not hold anyone without their voluntary consent. He does not see the severity of his illness.

He has refused medications because they made him gain nearly 80 pounds and recently he has lost nearly 40 pounds in 2 months. He has had horrific episodes that required long hospitalizations. We are now going to start to take him for injections tomorrow so he can not spit out or refuse his pills.

He is sweet and gentle at times. He is loving and caring and can become deeply emotional. Other times if he does not get his way he is quick to anger and things can escalate. He hears voices, lives in a paranoid state of fear that people are out to kill him. He constantly tells us to keep our voices at a whisper as he thinks "they" can hear him. He shuts all the doors, windows and blinds. He can not go out in public. He paces constantly and smokes cigarettes one right after the other. He then coughs all night long. He refuses to follow simple directions and rules we set for our home.

He wants to know who I am talking to when I am on the phone, where I am going if I leave. He wants to see my computer screen and obsesses that I am talking about him to people. He stands over my husband and myself if we are trying to talk. He follows me from room to room. I am locked in my bathroom with the water running so I can write this now. He has never had longer than an 8 week stretch that he was "functioning somewhat normally".

My children lost their brother that fateful day and we lost our son. Although he is still here - the Taylor that once was is gone forever. I had hope that one day he would heal and come back to us. I now know that will never be. He is His Son and I have to surrender him. I can not explain to my kids the "why", because I do not know. I can only trust that the Lord has a plan in all of this. I pray for my strength to carry on when I want to just be done.

People think I am strong. I guess I am by default. I go on because I have no other choice. My heart swells so much that it bursts and tears flood down my face more often than people know. I cry in the shower, I cry alone in my car. I cry in my bed at night. I cry out to Jesus. "Help me, Oh Lord through this pain...Carry me because I can't walk on anymore!"

My husband and I do not have a marriage any longer. This has ripped our family apart. Shortly after my son's accident my husband was also in an accident. He rolled his truck while driving down the same street. He suffered a panic attack or a heat stroke while driving. He nearly lost his arm and suffered a head injury as well.

Shortly thereafter we became homeless. We lost everything. We lived in a hotel for nearly 5 months as he recovered. I changed his dressings, bandaged his wounds. Drove him to doctors appointments and months of physical therapy. All the while dealing with Taylor and his unimaginable addiction and mental illness.

Things such as these either tear people apart or make them grow stronger. Sadly we are being torn apart. I know he does not have any answers. He wants ME to fix everything. He wants me to make it all better. After all, that is what wives and mothers do. Well, this is too big for me. Only God can fix this. This problem is all His. I get that and I CAN surrender. Sadly, my husband is not there. He does not know how to ask the Lord to lead him.

I am growing weary and ask that you pray for my son, my marriage, my children and for me. I feel very worn down, worn out and at a place of desperation.

XOXO
Janean

Love Change?

2011-03-23T09:05:00.000-07:00

Young love. It can change from one day to the next. One day she loves me then next...not so much.

I love change. I live however in a house with 5 males. Four of which are very fond of routine. I roll with the punches and love to switch it up a bit. Keeps life interesting! As we transition from Winter to Spring I feel that there are a lot of changes around the corner in both my personal and business lives.

I am making some changes in my Photography Business that I am excited about! I am partnering with my friend and neighbor Kristen to form a sister company to Giggle Moon Photography. We will be launching our new company "Birdie-N-Bee" on Facebook and the Web very soon. For now you can see some of our collaborative work on my Facebook Page...Giggle Moon on Face Book.

We are going to be doing a huge Give-Away and I have been busy preparing our site for that. I'll let you know when it launches!

Becoming busier with my business brings a little more stress into my home. My kids don't like me leaving for Photo Shoots and they hate all the time I spend on my computer editing and working. I can say that my husband is a HUGE GRUMP when I work the night away on my sofa...But hey! At least I am home and not in a dank office until the wee hours! Gotta find the light in the darkness!

Be prepared to see some great things around the corner!

XOXO
Janean

P.S. Hop over the The Trendy Tree House and VOTE for the pic above it is #41! It is Shutter Love Tuesday! Theme Hearts!

Getting old.

2011-03-13T12:55:00.000-07:00

{my super hot, young, intelligent, model like friend Irini and Baby Sophia}

Perhaps it is due to the fact that I have drop dead gorgeous friends that are like WAY younger than me, or the fact that I am in a month turning 44...that I am feeling really old.

Midlife Crisis? {perhaps} I know that all of a sudden my inner voice is screaming "CHANGE THIS and CHANGE THAT" on a daily basis. I have things in my head that I am determined to accomplish.

Putting things in writing helps so I am spilling it here for all the world to see. If you are my friend you will help encourage me. If you are a foe then you can laugh if I don't succeed. {I don't really care if you do...I am good like that}

Either way...here it is!

For starters I am going to lose the rest of the weight that I have promised myself that I would. Down 12 pounds so far. {yea me}
If I could drop 10 more I'd be pleased. 15 and I'd be happy.

My challenge is exercise. I have the healthy eating down just fine. I hate to exercise. I get short of breath and sweaty. {yuk} I know I must overcome the discomfort and push thru. I am going to enlist the help of my uber skinny, cute and sassy friend Kristen. She hits the gym faithfully and has not one ounce on her tiny, skinny, toned {did I say skinny} adorable little frame. She will have to have patience with me as I am a DECADE older than her.

Okay. That felt good. Next my closet will receive an overhaul. Once I am toned and fit I will discard all the old, ratty, faded loose fitting items that I try to wear to hide my muffin top. I know I am too old to look "cute and hot" {like Irini who is 13 years younger!} but hip and trendy I can do. No more "Look! There goes a mom of 4 boys who clearly has no style, but look at her hot friend" comments for me.

I'll admit I am not a fan of jeans. I can't find them to fit my short legs and hate when they are too tight in all the wrong places. My closet is filled with "comfortable clothes". Tees and leggings. Capris and sweatshirts. I live in my rainbow sandals. High Heels are a thing of the past as I can not run in them to catch my boys. I did recently add a pair of black polkadot kitten heels to my wardrobe and love them...{Irini there is hope}.

Sooner than later {praying that Shannon can help me this week} I will be getting a new hair doo. I have let my hair grow out and it is in need of a new style and shape. Thank goodness I do not have any gray hair but a nice color is in order.

Beyond my total overhaul I have things I am in dire need of. My cell phone has quit ringing at full volume, does not alert me when I have messages and has no keyboard. I need to get with the times and get an iPhone {on my wish list} so I can keep all my appointments at my fingertips. This would help in in my quest to be MORE organized in my family and business lives.

I need to save for another lens for my camera, a wacom pad for editing, an awesome camera bag {I hate the one I have} and more items to make my photography business run smoother. {all in time}

In an effort to not overwhelm my self I think I will stop here. I think this is a good start. I know I will never grow younger, only older. I can, however put forth the effort to make this process easier. With faith, hope, help from God and great friends I can and will succeed in making my goals happen!

XOXO
Janean

Time flies...

2011-03-08T23:00:00.000-08:00

Whew. Where does the time go? It has been over a month since I have updated this blog. Thanks for all of the kind emails checking in on me! I have not been crushed or eaten by my 4 boys!

Turner, Trevan and I just returned from a wonderful weekend in Sonoma. We got the pleasure of attending Siblings Weekend at Chloe's College - SSU. We pretended that the boys were her cousins. It was beautiful up there and very relaxing. My boys had a blast and flying on an airplane to get there was a special treat. Trevan asked 1001 questions from "What is that noise" to "How long do the flyers of the plane have to go to school to learn how to fly?" He was quite observant and did not let anything get past his inquisitive mind. Turner on the other hand just kicked his seat back and laughed at the cartoons on the video screen. Not a care in the world...that is him!

We were not sure we could go as everyone in the house got a round of the flu the week before we were to depart. Kids missed school, mom spent many a night up changing the sheets and patting backs as kids got sick over the commode. Oh! The joys of motherhood.

Thank the Lord they got well...and I did not get it! We did have to haul the breathing machine to Sonoma with us as Turner's asthma has kicked up again. Not as bad as last year thank goodness!

Stace, Trenton and Taylor survived the weekend and I came home to a clean house which was a surprise!

Taylor is doing well for the most part. He is applying for jobs which has not been fruitful as yet. Trenton is doing well at his new school {thank goodness or he was getting all that hair chopped off!}

I have been very busy with my photography and just finished rebuilding my website today. I have to add some polish and change a few things but am pleased with my new look for 2011. I am still learning my Nikon and am loving it! My calendar is filling up with lots of appointments and I couldn't be happier for the opportunity to use my new gear. I have my eye on a couple lenses that I am going to be saving up for.

Soon my mom and I will be departing for our trip together. I look forward to spending some quality time with my mom. We are cruising to Mexico for my Birthday! Ahhhh the peace and quiet...what will I do??

Well... that is that in a nutshell. I am alive and kickin' - just busy! Thanks again for checkin in with me!

XOXO
Janean

Precious Moments.

2011-01-25T10:23:00.000-08:00

I remember the precious moments spent with my kids when they were babies. I was their rock, their fortress, their protector - their world.

I learned very early as a young mother that MY happiness was not paramount. I was here to serve them. I was happy doing so.

As the years go by and they grow so fast it gets harder and harder to fill that role. You can no longer make their world right by hugging them, cuddling them and picking them up. A sweet song in their ear, pacing the floor with them, or showing them a new toy no longer brings the joy it once did.

I am entering a strange era with a now 20 year old "man child" that needs to be taken care of. His needs different than those of his 3 brothers. A brain injury and mental illness come into play as do limitations on what he comprehends and how he sees the world.

Having a 15 year old is another ball of wax. I remember what it was like to be hyper focused on body image, style and peers. I get that. I also know that the respect my mom expected and the expectations she had of me were not far off from what I expect of him. Difference is times have changed and kids seem to think THEY are entitled to NOT follow the rules and give that respect.

I hold out hope with my 7 year old and 6 year old. It is all I can do.

Turner is gifted and special in his own way. He has limits and challenges that are different from his little brother. He has Asperger's Disorder. At times he appears just like the others. Then there are times when he locks himself into "his world" and acts very different. I wonder what life will hold as he enters his teens and beyond. At times I am flooded with emotion at the thought of my children not fitting into the "world". Other times I embrace it.

As our world continues to become a harder place to live, I try to hold out for the "moments". Moments that have sparked a gleem of hope into my heart and forever left a mark. Moments that I can make with my boys for them to cherish. I try to make joy and make time for the opportunity to present its self as one of these.

I have been hugely impacted by the strength I have seen in my friend Irini who is a single mother. Her precious baby Sophia is pictured at the top. Being 30 years old and beginning a life with her precious daughter she is embarking on a journey. It is not easy. I see her dedication to her sweet girl and her love spills out in all she does. I strive to have that force back. I am committed to being a better mom for my boys this year.

This brings me to my sweet friend Sue. I met Sue a year ago. She wrote me after reading my blog and told me that she felt the Lord put us together for a reason. We have laughed and cried over the past year, shared play dates and birthday parties with our kids and have had "girls night out" together. We have talked on the phone, chatted on FB and emailed one another. We have so much in common...soul sisters. I just learned that she is home on Hospice. Her husband had to tell her 4.5 yr old daughter and her 7.5 year old son that mommy may have to leave and go to Heaven. I am heartbroken. I do not understand God's plan and know it is not for me to question.

I saw things in Africa this Summer and had a chat with God. I know He knows what he is doing, but I beg him to help us who do not understand His ways find a way to cope with the heartache. I know he wastes no hurt.

Through all of the trials and pain I push to find His message. Not my will Lord, but yours. So, I thank all of my dear friends who have been here to encourage me, help me and pray for me. I ask you to continue to do so. I stumble, I fall, but I vow to get up and keep on going.

I am off to make "moments". I will capture "moments" with my work. I will try to find a way to honor God through my pain.

Here is a Poem sent to me by Chloe, it was read at Grandma Daisy's funeral...it is so fitting for my season of life...

The Dash

I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of his friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
from the beginning...to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
and spoke of the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
that she spent alive on earth…
and now only those who loved her
know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own;
the cars…the house…the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard…
are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left.
That can still be rearranged

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what’s true and real,
and always try to understand
the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
and show appreciation more
and love the people in our lives
like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
and more often wear a smile…
remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy’s being read
with your life’s actions to rehash...
would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent your dash?

by Linda Ellis

XoXo
Janean

44 reasons why I have not updated my blog...

2011-01-10T13:07:00.000-08:00

I use to be great at updating my blog...as if anyone really cared in the first place! I have gotten a few emails asking if I was still alive, but with Facebook it is easy to keep tabs on people these days.

So here goes. I have 44 reasons why I have not updated.

1. Taylor came home to live with us mid-November.
2. We moved to a larger apt. to accommodate all 6 of us.
3. I got crazy busy with photo sessions.
4. We had Thanksgiving and I prepared a grand meal.
5. My kids decided to all react to Taylor's homecoming in different ways.
6. Turner took it the best and just needs more love from me.
7. Trevan regressed in behaviors and is "off the chain" 99% of the time.
8. Trenton decided to completely not apply himself and has failing grades.
9. My mom and dad went on a 2 week cruise to Hawaii and I found myself floundering without emotional support.
10. Stace's lack of work threw him into a tailspin with Christmas approaching.
11. I wanted to have a memorable Holiday and could not figure out how to pull it off with lack of funds.
12. Facebook needed my updates rather than my blog.
13. My allergies and asthma decided to deal me fits and I was sick for 10 out of 12 weeks.
14. My kids all decided to get sick.
15. Having kids with the flu requires doing extra laundry and making numerous trips to the store.
16. We tried to unpack and are still in process.
17. My car decided to breakdown.
18. Stace's truck decided to breakdown.
19. My camera broke down.
20. I tried not to breakdown.
21. I made a feeble attempt to erect a small Christmas Tree for the kids this year.
22. We decided to make a Gingerbread House and Christmas Cookies.
23. It rained.
24. It rained some more.
25. It was super cold in our new apartment.
26. I attempted to do some very last minute Christmas Shopping without much money.
27. Then the gifts had to be wrapped.
28. I had customers who waited till the last minute to order items.
29. My kids had Christmas Break.
30. My brother came to visit with my nieces and nephews.
31. I was exhausted.
32. Taylor has his ups and his downs.
33. Taylor often does not cooperate which causes a lot of frustration in our home.
34. Stace is in need of medication.
35. I probably am in need of medication.
36. We laid low for the New Year.
37. I decided to make some changes in 2011. {I had to take time to be deep in thought}
38. Chloe came home from College and we had to Celebrate her and my mom's Birthdays.
39. Laundry.
40. I discovered Nutella and realized how much I love Bacon.
41. Nutella and Bacon are not on my "Health Plan" for this year.
42. I made new friends who I love to spend time with.
43. I got my new camera and am learning how to use it!
44. I am just plain lazy.

So in a nutshell that is why I have been on Facebook and NOT updating my blog...I vow to do better {if I can find more minutes in the days ahead}.

XOXO
Janean

My wish for a day...

2010-11-06T20:08:00.000-07:00

Oh, to be one of "those" people. Just for a day. {okay I lie...not just for the day...for a while} You know "the" people I am talking about.

The ones that have all their Christmas Shopping done before Halloween. The ones that have picture perfect kids that never say a cross word to one another, never mess up their rooms and always do their homework. The kids that are satisfied with socks and undies wrapped cleverly under the tree.

The people who on a moments notice can have a house full of people over for the best gourmet meal {made from scratch} around a neatly decorated table complete with place cards, matching dinnerware and a centerpiece they threw together with flowers from their Lily Garden and pine cones from their yard. The ones that have the most adorable family dog that wears sweaters to match the season, can get the morning paper and never barks. "Those" people who bring the most creative gift to the party, have the swankiest style and perfect husband hanging on their arm.

Well...I COULD go on, but I am sure you know the people I am talking about. If you are reading this and are "one of them" - remind me to kick you swiftly in the backside next time we see each other. Oh, that's right I won't be seeing you as I am not in your social circle. If I were I'd be one of you!

Each year I dream of having my home all decked out for the Holidays in an adorable fashion. I have big plans and a creative vision and then something happens. I don't get a tree put up, decorations are not unearthed from storage and our home just remains a place that I dwell with 4 boys and a husband. Can I do it THIS year? I wonder. I want to make memories with my boys. I want to create a warm, loving atmosphere to enjoy the wonderment of the Holiday Season in. THIS will be my year.

Taylor is doing the best he has been in years and years. Perhaps we can celebrate by "decking the halls" with some "fa, la, la, la, la...la, la, la, la." After all, "Tis the season to be Jolly."

Wish me luck, as Martha Stewart I am not. I have ideas. Oh, yes. Lots of ideas. It is the execution that creates a problem for me. I just have a hard time with time management. Somehow, I just never seem to have enough...time. I have so much I want to get done, then the next thing I know it is here.

C H R I S T M A S...

It sneaks up on me silently. I know it is coming then one day "WHAM!" here it is! I find myself unprepared. No stuff for the stockings. Gifts hidden in places I can't find them. No gifts for those I swore I'd hand make something special for. I then get a huge stress headache and want to run for the hills.

Help me. Remind me that "time flies" and that before we know it we will be leaving cookies for santa and carrots for the reindeer. This year I vow to be one of "those" people. I will role play and pretend that I can do it all. I will take on the challenge and let you know how I am doing...each step of the way!

XoXo
Janean

P.S. 49 days and counting...till Christmas!

One of those days...

2010-11-02T13:03:00.000-07:00

Gotta love 'em!

Ever had "one of those days"? We all have. I should have known after going to Canon and finding out that my "soft focus" problem was not an easy fix, but rather something that could force me into early retirement from photography that it was gonna be "one of those days".

The girl behind the desk told me that I had exceeded my 100,000 shot limit for my camera by oh...say 40,000. She then told me for just a cool $1700 I could upgrade to a refurbished Canon 5d Mark II. She then said, "Would you like to do that today?"

"Ummm...yes! Why I would! Let me run home and pluck my money tree!" I thought to myself. Instead I told her that I could not afford to do so. She looked at me like I had 3 heads. She then told me to cough up a mere $180 so they could start to "diagnose" my camera's problem. If it was going to be un-fixable or more expensive they would credit my card and call me. It could need to be re-built to the tune of $1200-$1500. oh yea!

Super-de-duper! I left a bit stunned. As I drove home, coughing and hacking for the 4th week now a huge {splat!} thundered through the car and startled both Turner and I. {Turner is home sick too}. Nice one. As I looked up to see a giant crow flying overhead my eyes returned to the ginormous poop he so kindly deposited on my windshield. Obstructing my view I attempted to wash it away with the wipers creating a huge mess. Lovely!

We are in the process of getting Taylor placement in a transitional program. I was waiting on calls from his social worker and probation officer. I quickly scanned the car and my purse to check my phone only to find I left it at the house. Really?

I hurried home to retrieve it and tripped going up the stairs nearly breaking my nose! I had to laugh. One of those days.

I pick Trevan up from school and take the kids to grab a bite at Burger King {we have no groceries and I am too exhausted to go with 2 boys in tow.} I eat, they eat. They play. I sit in a stupor watching as a guy lines up his onion rings on his tray. He makes 3 rows of 3 rings. He methodically takes 3 packets of ketchup and gingerly squirts a perfect circle onto each one. I find myself fascinated by this. Wow. So much work.

I look down at our tray piled high with all 3 orders of crispy fries in one big heap. Next to them in the corner of the tray is a small mountain of ketchup. Easy-smeasy. No neat lines for me. No method to my madness. I glance into the play room to find Turner poking one fry then another then another into his mouth. In awe, I sit and count as my kid pokes 6 french fries into his small mouth. I then sit to watch and see if he chokes. What is wrong with me? I didn't have the energy to to get up and stop him, so I sit behind the glass just waiting and watching. What a great mom.

We make our way home. I tell the kids I need to take a breathing treatment and lay down for a little rest. Turner reminds me that Daddy needs work clothes and that I am to do laundry today. Thanks son. I know this. I decide to enlist the help of my big strong High School Freshman and wait till he gets home from school. Yes. Good plan. I pull in, anxious to lay down to rest.

What do we find? Big trucks. Men with chainsaws. Loud ear-piercing shrill of the blades ripping through the branches. Crack! Whoosh! Men yelling. Tree Trimming in the complex - Ahhhh - one of THOSE days.

I get the call that the Social Worker has an emergency and calls off meeting with Taylor and us. Oh joy. Then she informs me that he needs to get a doctors release by tomorrow to be allowed into the new program. Ah, sure.

As I tackle these obstacles Trevan knocks a glass of water over on the table where the iMac lives. I cast my laptop aside, jump over him grabbing a towel from the kitchen and in one feld swoop mop op the water before it hits the keyboard. My exercise for the day!

Looks like no rest for the weary. I must call the doctor, then Taylor's Social Worker, Cooper Fellowship then Ivy his Probation Officer. If only he knew all the work I go thru to help him. He can't see all the "behind the scenes". He just wants to come home and make me feel guilty for not letting him. Parenthood - aint it grand?

So, off to see what the rest of this day holds. Hopefully you are not having "one of those days"!

XOXO
Janean

Happy Halloween...if there is such a thing!

2010-10-31T15:02:00.000-07:00

Turner's "Bumpkin" {on left} Mr. Munki {in the middle} Trev's "Plumpkin" {on right}

Well...well...well. Here we are. It is Great Hallow's Eve; {not my idea of a Holiday} and not my favorite night. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to rain on any one's parade. If you like creepy, spooky, goblins, ghouls, smashed pumpkins, spending money on costumes and candy, kids gone wild and collecting more candy than any one human should consume in an entire year - then hey...knock yourself out!

I loved Halloween when I was a kid. My mom use to make our costumes. We would make hot apple cider and caramel apples. We attended safe and sane neighborhood Halloween Parties and dawned the doorsteps of Grandparent's dressed in our costumes.

Then, I had kids of my own. Taylor was my first and I made him an adorable lil Devil costume {much to the dismay of my Grandmother}. We took him out with friends in our neighborhood and all was fine and dandy. That was 20 years ago. Things then were still pretty harmless.

As the years passed and Trenton came along, Taylor got older and was VERY afraid of the displays at the grocery store. He hated going out in public before Halloween and did not really even want to trick-or-treat. We did the fun night at our church and had a ball.

The Halloween before he turned 8 years old he came to me and told me he wanted to dress up as "Pastor Dan" our Church's Pastor. He knelt in our basement, which was converted to my in-home daycare and asked me to pray with him. He told me he wanted to ask Jesus into his heart to live there FOREVER! He had his Veggie Tales Tie, his Bible and his nice "church clothes". We prayed together and then called up Pastor Dan to share the news!

Dressed like a little man, he went from door to door, ever so reluctantly as we came to homes that were all "spooooky". He knocked on the door and then asked the person with the candy bowl "Do YOU have the love of Jesus in YOUR heart?" When they looked at him stunned holding their bowl they stopped to think and then answer. Most said "Why yes!" He would then shake their hand, smile and say "Great! God Bless You! I just asked Jesus into my heart! Have a Great Halloween!" Spinning on his heel, anxious to get to the next home...he didn't even take the candy! He was on fire for the Lord and he was gonna tell the whole neighborhood!

We thought that one day, he would grow up to be a Pastor. He has such a caring heart, so feeling, so loving. He was baptized a month later at our church's Thanksgiving Feast.

Fast forward 11 years. He has battled drug and alcohol addiction for 5 agonizing years. Left with no answers as to "why" or "where we went wrong". The pain and heartache is indescribable. I pray we are on the other side now...but you never know.

He has been sober now 90 days today! Praise God. I am not sure how my life would have changed if on that night I could have seen into the future and had known what a painful road we would have to travel down to reach his 20th birthday. One never knows. That is the irony of this "life".

So, tonight in an effort to allow my last 2 boys to "make a memory" I will drag my sick self {been battling sinus problems and allergies for a month} out to collect the candy with my kids. We will have one Skeleton and one Darth Vader. We will go to our church where they have planned a super evening of fun for the kids and families.

Tomorrow I will sort the candy, hide the candy and battle with my already very high spirited boys over why candy is not an appropriate breakfast food. Everyone has their favorites - Daddy loves 3 Musketeers and Snickers, mine is peanut M&M's, Reese's and Almond Joy. Trenton loves Reese's and SOUR stuff. Turner loves suckers and skittles. Trevan loves push pops. Taylor...well he loves it all. He has never been picky.

The boys will make a bag for their big brother. They love him so. Stace and Trenton are there visiting him now in his rehab. He will complete that program on November 3rd and then go to a transitional home. He wants to come home, but I don't feel we are all ready - yet.

One day at a time. That is all we can handle.

FLASH FROM THE PAST...

Taylor on Halloween 10 year ago.
He ironically dressed as a skateboarder.
Little did we know that 7 years later he would be involved in a skateboarding accident that would change our lives forever...leaving him with a brain injury.

Cherish each day...

xoxo

Janean

Hold my hand...

2010-10-19T02:07:00.000-07:00

If you think about it, all we really want in life is a little direction and guidance. Someone to come along and pour into us some hope, zest and motivation when we are lacking. People do not want to be made to feel like they are stupid, clueless or unworthy of knowledge. If each person would just take the time to slow down and help guide others in their quest for the "things unknown" to him...would our world not be a much nicer place? Inspire. Encourage. Educate.

I do not understand the mentality of "knowledge hoarding".

Seriously. Think about how many times you have asked someone for advice about something that you do not possess full knowledge of, only to have them "play dumb" {when you know they are fully in the know} or flat out ignore you? Better yet, have that person throw you under the bus by giving you bogus info all together?

Does this come from the dog eat dog mentality so common in our world today? Perhaps. I am not sure. I started to ponder this when I realized my freshman son was failing all his classes. What did he need? Does he have an impairment? A Learning Disability gone unnoticed? Not in this case. He was lacking direction, motivation, organization.

Take Taylor my 19 year old currently in Rehab. He is being sent out from 8am to 5pm each day on "JOB SEARCH". Oh, wow. They make it sound so "glamorous". He has no car, no bus money, no high school diploma and has no clue where he is. Don't you think a little guidance would be helpful?

All he wants is direction, encouragement, motivation. Knowledge. He just needs the knowledge on how to accomplish the task at hand. Yet, where are the people who can help him? They are right in front of him, hoarding their knowledge. He asks and is told to "figure it out". Granted this can be useful in some situations, but not all. Giving someone a hand up - could it really hurt?

So often we as adults think we have all the answers and find it easy to "preach" to others. Not stopping to think that this may have a tendency to make others feel "less than". There is a fine art to "teaching" someone something and having them walk away feeling like they just gained useful information.

I have asked people in my field questions about their craft. I figure if I want to know I had better ask. I have not been met with great enthusiasm. Some ignore my inquiry. Others tell me they charge money to divulge such information. Baffling. The way I see it, I am blessed to know what I know and it is my obligation to share my knowledge with anyone who asks. I feel if I share then perhaps it will come around and I may gain at some point some useful information that I do not know now.

Sometimes our minds grow quiet. Like lemonade made from good old powder. It tastes fine but fresh squeezed is so much better. When I have someone come to me who is thirsting for some fresh squeezed I am happy to roll up my sleeves and deliver...are you?

I challenge you to look for the opportunity to "hold someone's hand". Guide them. Give them a hand up. After all - knowledge is free.

Roll up your sleeves and deliver some fresh squeezed inspiration to someone who is thirsty!

XOXO
Janean

Simplify. Period.

2010-10-11T23:19:00.000-07:00

Simplify. Period.

I am in my simple phase. I want to simplify my life. I have been on a cleaning bender while my husband has been out of town. I have been cleaning closets, filing papers, throwing out junk and donating. I want simplicity. Streamlined Organization is my dream. I keep thinking of the people in Africa and how they live so...simply. Not us Americans! We have SO much junk. Overabundance is commonplace here. Well...not for this family. I am no Martha Stewart {wish I was} but I do indulge in the fantasy of a perfectly tidy home. I envision neat color coordinated bins with all our stuff living perfectly inside. I want to wake up to my home looking like one of those cute little cottages you only find in a magazine. You know the ones that have no humans under the age of 40 occupying them!

I am a simple girl. I live in my rainbow sandals and love comfortable soft fabrics. My dress is casual, as is our home. Beachy Keen is our theme. Soft blues and greens and shades of sand, comfy fluffy pillows and dreamy soft blankets. I am all about comfort. Lately my kids "junk" has been swallowing up our lil 900 sq ft of space that we now call home. Try as I might to file things in their little bins, things keep finding their way out and littering my space. I am reaching the point of no return and have threatened to just pitch things. Our new rule is: If I find it on the floor - it's gone forever!{well not forever ever...but don't tell them that}

My goal is to be all "simplified" before Thanksgiving hits. Wish me luck. My kids {and hubby} like to hold on to some of the most random stuff. My hubby is a box keeper. He keeps the boxes to everything {as if we will EVER put them back in the box they came in}. Well, while he has been away - I have done gone crazy clearing out all the unwanted cardboard. WOW! I have reclaimed some much needed closet shelving! Yipeee! Wonder if he will even notice? Perhaps not.

Maybe my paranoia has developed from laying in bed alone into the wee hours and watching "Hoarders". What a trip! I just can not bear the thought of massive amounts of stuff taking over my living space. Ewwww. More creepy than the show "Sister Wives"...don't even get me started on THAT. Anyway, back to the topic. I found this great site called Zen Habits. Their motto is "smile, breathe, go slowly." Works for me. Check out the25 Ways To Simplify Your Life With Kids.

I love a bunch of them but especially love #25.

Focus on doing, not on spending. Too often we send messages to our kids about how to live life, based on what we do: we like to go shopping, and eat out, and go to the movies, and so our kids learn that having fun means spending money. We focus on material things, and therefore so do they. Instead, teach them (by talking but also by your actions) that what’s important is doing stuff, not buying stuff. Go for walks in the park, play outdoors, play board games, read, tell stories, play charades, cook and clean, go to the beach or lake, build stuff, wash the car. Spend quality time together, doing stuff that doesn’t cost money.

AMEN! Tomorrow we are doing just that. Taylor is coming for a home visit and given the nature of his last visit - I told him he had to be of assistance to me. SO, he is helping me tackle the mountain of laundry and cleaning the bathrooms tomorrow! Yea! Turner and Trevan enjoy their chores {surprise} so we will kick off the day with cleaning and scrubbing everything that I have not gotten to. I have a new love, the Clorox Handi Wipes. Can't clean enough with my reusable cloth heavy wipes. Bye Bye dish rags and sponges! See, I am easy to please! At a buck sixty nine, you can't go wrong. Simple pleasures... gotta love them.

Well, it has been a long day and I have bored you enough with my ranting...I have cleaning to do tomorrow. Off to bed now {I will forgo "Hoarders"} don't want to have nightmares!

XOXO
Janean

Forever Sunshine

2010-10-10T22:13:00.000-07:00

Taylor October 2010

My hubby has been in Big Bear for the better part of 2 weeks. I now know what it is like to be a "single" parent - going it alone! {not really - but kinda}

We have been chugging along with Soccer, Groceries, School, Laundry, Errands and the like. We are no worse for the wear. We have had some laughs - as my boys continue to crack me up day after day.

Yesterday Turner says "How much money does your wallet hold?" I said, "Well, as much as I have to put in it." He replies "Well Mom, you NEVER have ANY cash, so I guess you just have a wallet so that OTHER people think you have some!"

We go from having fruity pebbles spilled all over the kitchen to mommy rolling on the floor laughing! Before bed the other night Turner said " You are the most beautiful mom in the whole "white" galaxy." "I love you more than anything in the whole world". I want to cherish these precious moments and burn them into my memory forever. ♥

I wish I could have "forever sunshine." I use to sing "you are my sunshine" to my Taylor when he was little. He use to say "sing to me mama...sing me "forever sunshine". I remember it like it was yesterday. I am glad to report that he is doing well at the Cooper Fellowship. Today Trenton, Turner, Trevan and I went to see him and take him lunch.

I came home to get ready to go do a photo session for The Lopez Family. It has been fun watching the girls grow up the past several years. Here is a shot of Alexa...only 9 years old!! Boy...they grow fast!

I am happy that the boys have one more week on school break. We have plans to go Whale Watching this week and then Kids Small Groups start up on Wednesday. The boys and I are excited for that to begin!

Stace should be home tomorrow or Tuesday then my Jeep will get new tires!! I SO need them. I nearly spun out on the freeway in the rain the other day! I like excitement - but not that kind!

Until later...

XOXO
Janean

Long time . . . no blog.

2010-10-04T22:12:00.000-07:00

Whew! Finally some cooler weather! I hope FALL is finally here to stay! I love California but have grown tired of sweating in our lil apartment! Being closer to the ocean our units are not equipped with central air or heat. So, we roast like little piggies at night!

It has been weeks since I have had a moment to update my blog. Each time I sit down to do so, the phone rings, someone comes to the door, or one of my boys has decided to "accidentally tie his brother to his bedpost and needs help freeing him".

In the past weeks, Taylor was granted another try at Rehab and has been in the Cooper Fellowship since September 24th. He is being let out tomorrow on "job search". He is expected to find a job {without a car} within a reasonable distance to the rehab. We'll see how this goes... most businesses around there are commercial or require that you speak another language besides English. Last I checked Taylor was not fluent in Vietnamese.

He was able to come home today for a "home visit". Needless to say it was a bit stressful on me and the little guys. After being in jail for nearly 2 months Taylor was glad to be home and jumped in like he had never been away. He was anxious to get a hold of his CD player, raid the fridge and rifle thru the closet looking for his favorite old Tee Shirt. I did not expect anything different, as this is still his "home". Always will be. He chose however to call a "friend" and virtually disappear most of the day. My anxiety level went thru the roof. You can't blame me. We have had years of unpredictable behavior and my mind just ... "goes there".

Lil Trevan was also a nervous wreck. He went to the window and watched to see when and if his big brother was coming back, and in what state of mind. He came back about an hour before I needed to take him back to his rehab. I could not tell what if anything he had been doing. As he came in the door he slipped on the wood floor as it was raining. He went sailing and Trevan fearing he was drunk started to cry and got very upset.

He disappeared into the bathroom and then I discovered that he helped himself to something that did not belong to him. I confronted him and he was not happy.

We had words and his anger boiled over like old times. I could tell we were not getting anywhere so I pointed to the door and told him it was time to go. We drove to the rehab in silence, my stomach in knots. Stace left to work in Big Bear again this week so I was thankful that my mom had dropped over and went with me. Upon his departure I told him I was sad and that he would not be allowed home again for a visit. We would instead go someplace or do something. He was angry and expressed his displeasure by slamming my car door - VERY hard.

I cried most of the way home. This is not the progress that I had hoped for.

"Let go. Let God handle it." I had to keep telling myself. "You are not in charge here..."

So, tomorrow is another day. One day at a time. This is all I can handle. Can't change the past nor control the future.

The little guys are still on break, so we may venture out to the pumpkin farm tomorrow. Since I have written last I have had several photo shoots, gone to Santa Barbara, had a friend in from out of town, been to the wedding of our nephew, and driven back and forth to Taylor's rehab many times.

With Stace gone this week I will need to get Trenton to and from school, find a way to get some food to feed these boys with $34.87 in the bank, clean the house, figure out a way to do some laundry without money on the laundry card, pray my car does not decide to go ker-plunk this week, take Trevan to Soccer, get Taylor to the doctor, make goodie bags and have a Birthday Party for the boys all before Friday! Whew! At least tomorrow is just Tuesday! I still have a few days to get it all done!

Just thinking of all I have ahead of me, makes me tired. I think I will turn in now. Hey! At least I get the bed all to myself tonight {sorry Stace}! It is SO nice to spread out and hog the WHOLE bed! No fighting for the covers or covering my ears while he saws logs! Gotta find the simple pleasures in each day {or night}! LOL!

Until next time...
XOXO
Janean

Murphy's Law

2010-09-15T16:27:00.000-07:00

When life turns crappy - eat Cupcakes!

I use to scoff and laugh at people who talked about "Murphy's Law". I thought it to be a joke. Never laugh at such things...You would know - Murphy's Law has decided to take up residency on my doorstep.

{Murphy's law is an adage or epigram that is typically stated as: "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong"...}

I was thrilled a week ago to find out my husband would be going out of town to work. I immediately had visions of grandeur. I envisioned nights filled with me taking charge of the remote - controlling the T.V. watching whatever struck my fancy! Evenings of going to bed when I wanted and running the house MY way. I dreamed of sleeping all night long in a bed all to my lonesome. I was going to cook foods that he does not like and maybe even eat dessert first! I was going to leave dishes in the sink, let the water run when I brushed my teeth and hit the snooze button as much as I wanted! It was going to be SO much fun!

Shame on me.

He had just left when I pulled into the kids school to notice white smoke neatly curling out from under my hood. Strangers drove by rolling their windows down to tell me "Your car is on fire!!" I got the kids out and called my husband who was on his way to Big Bear. I frantically told him he HAD to come figure out the problem as he could not possibly leave me without a car for a week! I was now late to school and was to work in the classroom. Fine start to the day.

He came and fixed the leaking power steering hose and then got a late start up the mountain {sorry dear}. I proceed on with the days events which included a run to the store for dinner ingredients, coaching Trevan's Soccer Practice and going to the Post Office. At 11:00pm I was elated at the thought of dropping into bed alone...dog tired.

I had just pulled the covers over me as I heard the most terrible coughing coming from the kids room. I went in to find Trevan having the worst Asthma Attack he had ever had. He started gasping and choking then throwing up. He soon passed out. I threw clothes on, called my mom and got him to the E.R. I was there until 3:00am. My son had a bad case of the Croup.

Lovely.

I had to get to Court the next morning at 8:00am - to be there for Taylor's Sentencing for a Probation Violation.

{ here was good old Murphy's Law again }

Exhausted, I came home to sleep a handful of hours then woke up to the dilemma of "what now?". I had no one to care for Trevan as my mom had taken a temp job for this week. I was forced to keep Trenton home to watch him as I went to Court. {Murphy's Law}

I got to the Courthouse to find that the Public Defender had not gotten a call from the Rehab. She told me to return at 1:30pm and the judge would see Taylor then. I returned home to call the doctor to have Trevan seen only to be told that the doctor would not be in until Friday! {Murphy's Law}

I went back to the Courthouse yet again, only to sit through a heartbreaking 2 hours. The Judge was not pleased that he had to return to Court after lunch and had decided to throw the book at Taylor. He said he wanted to just give him jail time in lieu of allowing him to return to Rehab. I was so emotionally and physically drained that I wanted to just run away!

So much for my "fun". I spent the next days caring for not only one sick boy, but two. Turner woke up that morning with the Croup too. {Murphy's Law strikes again!} Friday rolled in with no pomp nor circumstance. Yes, it was indeed the 22nd Anniversary of my Marriage - or "Marital Confinement" as I have come to know it. My husband was still on a mountain working. No love letter, no flowers, no nice dinner by candlelight, nada...nothing. Zip, zilch.

In the days since, we have muddled along with our new school routine. Boys back in school, we just have to do breathing treatments and inhalers plus meds at night. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I work in the classrooms. Tuesday and Thursdays we have Soccer Practice. Saturday is Game Day, Sunday is "Go See Taylor Day". Next week we will start back to Kids Small Groups at Church where the kids go to Class and Trenton and I serve on Wednesday nights. Chugging along like the lil engine that could...I think I can, I think I can... I try to smile and be thankful for each day.

If only good ol' Murphy would take his "Law" and move on...last night the "check engine light" came on in my car and today Stace's truck just stopped working... what next? Or do I dare ask?

A bit frazzled today, I decided to make some gourmet cookies. I got all the items I thought I needed only to come home and find I forgot the SUGAR...{Murphy's Law strikes again...darn it!}

So, now here I sit. Ready to dawn my pajamas at 4:15pm. I have meat marinating for dinner and am praying I will find the energy to cook it. No cookie baking tonight. I sure wish I had a darn cupcake to eat right about now!

XoXo

Janean

And...We're Off!

2010-09-02T15:10:00.000-07:00

My lil ones have been back to school for a month yet are still enjoying the busy days of what is left of Summer. Birthday Parties with Snow Cones, Cupcakes, Bouncy Houses and Water Balloon Fights are sandwiched into our busy afternoons filled with Homework, Photo Shoots and Soccer Practice. I manage to slip in a load of laundry {only to find someone poured bleach into my machine ruining my clothes... but that is another story} make a trip to the store or scribble a quick letter to Taylor.

Today though, is a milestone in my life. My Trenton started High School. It hit me after I rushed out the door scampering and scurrying to get 2 boys and their backpacks in the car going down my mental checklist of which kid's class I was helping in today that I did not even make a big ta-doo about it.

Man. What a bad mom.

I tried to call the house to make sure he was all set - but he was in the shower. I started in on my husband with the "Make sure he has his schedule and did he get a lock for his locker?...Oh and what backpack will he be using because if it is the one from last year make sure he takes out the items from our Africa Trip. Also make sure he has some money for lunch and are you taking him? Or is he walking?" Not allowing him to get a word in edgewise.

I hung up and quickly made a mad dash for the school office to sign in as a Volunteer my mind whirring and wondering if my husband had answered any of the questions I had fired off. With a shrug I went on with my duties willing my son to have a great first day of high school. Hey, if he could get on fine in a third world country he can survive his first day of High School!

I am now home and have fed Trevan lunch, fired off a letter to the Kindergarten Class about the upcoming PTA Fundraiser, answered emails, gone back to get Turner from school, got him a snack and am now ready to tackle this week's final round of homework with two very UN-willing students. All while waiting for my new High School Student to come home and tell me about his day.

In the course of attempting to write this I had 2 phone calls. One an annoying telemarketer and the other from my first born. He sounded cheery although I had to strain to hear him and plug my free ear during our conversation. He sounds like he is talking through an old tin can. He informed me that he has 13 days of confinement left and was hoping I had good news on where he would go next. Sadly I do not have any answers for him as his Public Defender is a very busy and hard to reach woman. He ended by telling me that he loved me which is music to my ears. It has been a long time since I could carry on a clear headed conversation with my boy, one that is not clouded with drugs and alcohol. Such a wonderful feeling - one that I hope will continue.

It is September. I can't believe our Summer is gone. My long awaited Mission Trip behind me. My kids all back to school. My days will now be filled with driving kids to and from school, working in the classroom, field trips, room mom duties, after school play dates, Soccer Practice on Tuesdays, teaching Kids Small Groups on Wednesday nights and who knows what else! My calendar is definitely full!

I love my boys. I just have to be careful not to lose my self in this process of bringing them from childhood to adulthood. If anyone has nailed this - let me know!

XOXO
Janean

Friends old and new...

2010-08-25T19:43:00.000-07:00

I love my friends.

Meet Kris. She was my BFF in High School. After high school her life went one way and mine another. It was through the magic of Facebook that we reconnected. We have been chatting, texting, talking and emailing for over a year. She does not live THAT far...just in San Diego. Yet our busy lives, being moms and just day to day activities have kept us apart. Yesterday I had the joy of taking her pictures. We only got to see each other for an hour or so, but it was like no time had passed.

She was the same girl I knew all those years ago. Still as vibrant, witty and funny. I miss hanging out and having fun together.

There are SO many people that I miss. I have friends scattered all over the country as well as family. If I could have one wish it would be for more time and opportunities to spend with those I cherish. Being with someone I knew when I was just a teen makes me miss all the other friends I once spent my days with. Funny how all the old memories come rushing back! Our minds are a wondrous thing! I sit and wonder if the people whom I once called "friend" still remember me. Where are they today and what have they been doing all these years...

At times I feel so lonely and wish I were just a kid again. Carefree. To turn back the hands of time...

Ah, adulthood - aint it grand?!

I can only pray that my kids make friendships that last a life time.

Friends are like chocolate...you never realize how good they are until you run out!

Here's praying that you never run out of chocolate - OR - Friends!

XOXO
Janean

I'm here.

2010-08-20T08:56:00.000-07:00

Many of you have emailed asking why I have not updated my blog in a long while.
Thank you - I appreciate the nudge!

I have settled back into life as I knew it before Africa. I have a restlessness about me that I never had before and an unexplainable peace at the same time.

I do not seem as quick to anger, find joy in things I never did before, have a greater appreciation for people and move through life now with my eyes wide open. All of this is great, yet I feel restless.
I have a great yearning to return to Africa and do more. I long to empower people here to become passionate about helping others - where ever they may be - those who are less fortunate.
It has become so clear to me how we here in America have settled into our little bubble of the world and how quickly all things can revolve around our comfort or lack there of. It is so easy to justify indulgences for ourselves when there are children suffering in our own backyard - not to mention all over the world.

Many people can not help it as they are living totally unaware of how abundantly blessed and rich their lives are. I feel a need to educate them.   Albeit they may not wish to learn, my desire is still there.

I have spent some time setting up a website to help the Women from Christ Gospel Fellowship, in Kigali, Rwanda. The women in this church are people like you and me. They live, love and laugh. They work hard to survive. Many have been inflicted with HIV/AIDS and so have their children. Yet they have hope in each new day. They get up, they go on. This ministry has brought women in who did not know where to turn and has taught them how to make baskets and beads for jewelry. The women work tirelessly for hours creating these beautiful crafts, yet do not have a market in which to sell them. I am determined to help. All items on this site were handmade and brought here by me from Africa. All money earned from the site will go directly back to the women who made them.

Please take a moment to check out the site:
http://www.creativeheartsofhope.com

Share the link with a friend! Your simple small purchase will provide food, clothing, shoes and schooling for children 9,000 miles away!

Now a little on my home front. Taylor has 25 more days in jail. They are trying to get him before a WIC Court Judge to deem him unable to care for himself and grant him aid in getting rehab that specializes in dual diagnosis {both mental illness and addiction} as there are not many places that accept people like him. We do not have $50k to $100k to pay for his treatment, and neither does he. His next hearing in regular court is this Monday. Please pray that there are some answers finally.

Our little Trevan will be 6 in a week. He and Turner are both doing great at their new school {year round}. Trevan starts Soccer next week and is SO excited! Trenton will start HIGH SCHOOL in a couple weeks. I can't believe he is so old! He has been working with his dad and has earned enough money to buy a bike. He is one happy camper now!

Our Chloe {trusted babysitter, friend and adopted daughter/sister} will return to Sonoma State in a few days. We will miss her so! She is such a blessing to us and her smiling face and giggles will leave us empty. It is my hope that in April I can take the boys to see her and drive back with her for her Spring Break. My lil boys have 6 weeks off then.

I am looking forward to Kids Small Groups starting in September - I miss my kids! I have loved teaching the Summer Class each Tuesday. We have some awesome kids! Ariel and Kamille are my student leaders and I love spending 3 hours with them! I love their serving hearts.

I think I may be ready to start editing the photos from my trip. Each time I have sat down to start the emotions come flooding back as I look at the sweet faces. With a lot of prayer I think I may be ready to tackle the 10,000 images!

I have started a gallery of Africa on my Giggle Moon website - it is on the bottom - the far right bubble - if you want to check it out. I will add more as I am able.
http://www.gigglemoonphotography.com

I hope you are enjoying what is left of our Summer and pray that you will be empowered to go out of "your bubble" and extend yourself to those who are in need...you'll be glad you did!
XOXO
Janean

2010-08-04T09:41:00.000-07:00

Trying to be strong...

I have been home for a little over a week now. I have been changed. I am still processing all the information that I took in while in Africa. I now have an obligation to do something.

I was chosen to go. I am blessed to live here. I want to do something meaningful in my life to bring about a positive change for others. I am not just talking about helping people in Africa, I mean people who are just an arms length away. I pray that I can empower others to "live and love beyond themselves" and move through life with their eyes wide open.

How much do you miss each day? In this huge world do you know that so many people are lonely, sad and confused? How often do you think of someone but do not take a moment to let them know? Do you pass up opportunities to show love to others?

I know that I am guilty of this. I want to reach out with a call, a text or an email. I quickly dismiss it thinking - "Nah, they are probably busy and I don't want to bother them or make them feel obligated to respond..." so I do nothing.

I have a big family, yet there are many times I feel sad and alone. I feel misunderstood, unheard, unimportant in the lives that share the same living space as me. My only option is to turn to God and ask for Him to take away the feelings of despair.

No, there is no quick fix to any of life's challenges. I now know as I have seen first hand that my burdens are lighter than some.

Still.

Here I sit in the midst of them at times not knowing what direction to take. I know that I should stop and ask directions. I pray and then I wait. I am human. I am just like most people, I want a quick answer. No one likes the discomfort of not knowing, of feeling lost. Desperate.

I feel confused by having so many options yet no clear answers.
What do I do? Where do I turn? How do I go on?
At times I feel so small. I feel defeat. Can I quit? I sure can. I want to. But I don't.

I have to keep on...keeping on. Searching, looking, seeking - for the right path. I will make mistakes, I always do. I have to learn from them.

It is my prayer that others may see my journey and learn from me. I want to be a light. I have lived in darkness and have searched for the lighted path. At times I find it quickly, other times my search is long.

Right now, I am in pain for my child, just as God feels pain for us. I want to make my son okay. I want to "heal" his mental illness. I want to take him in my arms and make it all better. I can not. I can only pray for him as he is in custody paying a price for a choice he made while brokenhearted.

He is not a bad person. I use to think that only bad people who did bad things went to jail. I now know that this is not the case. My son is ill. He is mentally challenged and an addict as a result. He does not make good choices. He lacks the ability to think and reason rationally. He reacts and acts on impulse. We are all just one bad choice away from an unpleasant consequence.

It is so easy to sit in judgement of others. It is easy to tell others what they should have done or should do. Having forgiveness and compassion is not easy. I have lost friends because of my son's actions. But I ask - "were they real friends to begin with?" The answer is clear.

I do not have to carry the weight of who he has become. God loves him as I do, unconditionally. I need true friends in my life who will stand by me no matter what. We all do. How judgemental are you? Do you offer your friendship without limits? We often neglect our friends and loved ones by "starving" them of positive reinforcement. Why is it so easy to criticize so quickly? What makes us the expert?

I challenge you to go out of your comfort zone and do something to bring about positive change for someone else. I ask that you count your blessings. Be humble. You are free to live, free to love and free to give - FREELY to others. A kind word, a kind gesture - they go a long way. You never know what kind of impact you will have on someone else by just a simple call, email or visit.

Go and do great things. Don't live in fear. Take a moment and pray. Ask God for direction. Be open to receive.

XOXO
Janean

Weaving my way back...

2010-07-26T11:10:00.000-07:00

Trenton and I are home from Africa. I feel much like this child. I feel like I am on the outside looking in. I am tired and overstimulated by this life that at one time was the only life I knew. Traveling 9000 miles from home and experiencing the simplicity of life that the African people live was amazing on so many levels.

Most people think that when you travel on Mission that you are doing just that...a MISSION to bring about change and hope. I must say that I was forever changed in ways that I could not imagine by the lives that I came across. Yes, we taught, we prayed, we touched and we played.

I do not speak Kinyanrwandan or Swahili. A smile is universal. A simple wave accompanied by a cheery "Maraho" or "Jambo" {hello} was enough to evoke a crowd of children yelling "Muzungu" {white person} and running to greet you.

Their clothes tattered and torn, dusty and dirty. Their faces smudged with dirt and runny noses abound. Heads that were shaved, feet that were bare. Their beautiful smiles, warm soft skin and deep chocolate eyes melted your heart. Quick to grab your hand, give a hug or take a place on your lap. There were more children than we had hands or laps to hold. Some would go from one person to another waiting for a turn to feel a loving touch.

We were able to learn their names but not their story. You would hold a child and wonder where did they sleep at night? Did they have a home or a mommy? Were they hungry or thirsty?

More often than I can recall I would go to put a child down and they would say so sweetly in a voice so soft you had to strain to hear "food?...water?" Their eyes fixed on yours awaiting a response. Your heart would sink to the depths of your soul.

Knowing that you could not give that one child food or water because a hundred more would come running was enough to tear your heart out. Embarrassed and ashamed, you would break their intent gaze and look away. Guilt would flood you head to toe knowing that you would soon board a bus and guzzle a water bottle or two on your way to lunch. Your mouth dry from all the dust, your stomach growling - you would soon satisfy your needs.

Leaving them behind with sad eyes, waving at you with their small hands you had to put them out of your mind for the moment or the tears would flow.

How can we be so blessed to live here in America when there are so many beautiful children suffering?
Why and what. Why must it be this way and what can we do?

I have many stories to tell. Many divine appointments to share. I am just trying to weave my way back into this overindulgent lifestyle that I have always known. When I can come to grips with our ways and rest up I will share more with you.

Just know that if you are reading this, you are blessed. You have been chosen. You can make a difference. Are you prepared to live simply so that others may simply live?

My .mac account was up for renewal while I was away. It is $99 a year. I don't have the $99 to pay it and when I think about how much food $99 would provide for people who earn less than $300 a year {if they are fortunate enough} I am not sure if I will renew it or not. So in the meantime if you wish to email me you may do so at justjanean@yahoo.com

Until next time...
XOXO
Janean

Long Winding Road

2010-07-07T10:58:00.000-07:00

It is hard to believe that we are finally here. Tomorrow is the day that we have been waiting and working for months to prepare for. Our DEPARTURE DAY!

God has really shown us that HE is in control. He has lead us through the bumps, the pot holes, the dangerous curves and the delightful straightaways. He has strategically placed the red lights so we would stop and reflect. He put the yellow lights just where we needed them to proceed with caution. He then gave us the green to press on full steam ahead.

I have been stretched thus far beyond my comprehension. I have grown in my faith, my trust and my endurance. My heart has been molded and prepared as much as it could be to be broken for Him. In the home stretch we have been brought through the death of a loved one, illness, joyous events and financial challenges.

Just a few days ago a dear friend suffered a heart attack and gave us all quite a scare. God was not finished with him and he is still here with us. For this I am so grateful. The emotions that I have had in the past weeks are more than enough to last me a lifetime!

I can sing praises as yesterday - in perfect timing - Taylor was re-admitted to the Phoenix House. I will have peace of mind knowing that he is continuing on his journey of recovery while I am away.

Trenton and I have 2 suitcases packed. Each weigh in at 49 pounds {our limit is 50}. Today I will spend time with my lil boys and then focus on packing last minute items and our carry-ons.

I so appreciate all of you who have prayed us through and contributed your time and money to aid us in this mission. I feel SO awesome to know that you are all going along with us in spirit. I can not wait to share with you our experiences. We will update via this blog and on Facebook as we are able. Our trip leader Liza will also update the KSG website as she can - here is the link:

Saddleback KSG Blog

We leave tomorrow, July 8th at 2:30pm. We invite any and all who would love to come see us off to meet at the MC2 Parking Lot {just up from the main offices on the left} at 2:00pm. We will hug, take photos and pray then load the bus to leave at 2:30pm.

You can see our Prayer Journal on this website - for a day by day break down of prayer requests:

RWANDA 2010 BLOG

After 2 days of travel we will touch down in the Land Of A Thousand Hills, Rwanda. Here we will do the work that God has already laid out for us. He has prepared in advance divine appointments and people that we will be forever touched by. I can't wait to be used for His glory!

Please pray for safe travels, pray that our luggage all arrives safely, pray for our health, endurance and that we would each have an attitude of grace. Pray that our servants hearts will be used to the fullest!

XOXO

Janean

Journey of Emotions

2010-06-28T09:43:00.000-07:00

Grandma Daisy

What a Journey down the path of {EMOTIONS} this past week has been. In just 7 days I have experienced every emotion known to man. I guess the Lord is making sure I am prepared for the Mission ahead. In just 10 days Trenton and I will depart the United States bound for Africa. I can't believe the time is almost here.

Last Saturday Grandma Daisy suffered a stroke. {fear, anxiety, worry} It was sudden and I can't say that I am ever prepared to lose someone I love. She hung on for 4 days which gave us all a time to say goodbye. {sadness, regret, apprehension} It was very emotional. We were given the opportunity to share with each other, cry and pray. We spent time with friends and loved ones that we hardly ever get to spend time with. I was afforded the opportunity to talk to my little guys about death.

It was a busy week as it was the last week of school. There were awards ceremonies to attend {pride}, end of the year field trips {enthusiasm}, last day of school parties and then Graduation on Wednesday {happiness}. Trenton graduated from 8th Grade, Megan (my niece) and Kamille (Taylor's Girlfriend) Graduated from High School. The next morning Grandma Daisy made her way to Heaven {sadness, grief}. At times I feel that I move through life on auto-pilot. Going and doing, saying and praying, plugging along. {optimistic}

Thursday Trenton and I received our Hepatitis Shots and I had a reaction. I broke out in itchy hives and got really tired. {worried} Perhaps a culmination of the emotional week I had just had. Taylor had a probation appointment and was not even drug tested. I was baffled. I am not sure what the purpose of "being on Formal Probation" is if they do not even see him but once a month and do not even test him! {frustration, offended}

Friday morning we sent Team One off on the Road To Rwanda Mission. It was wonderful to hug our friends who are going before us and send them off with a prayer. {confidence, happiness, love} I then got to spend the day celebrating Turner's 7th birthday early - as I will be in Africa on July 18th. Chloe's friend Danyale got us tickets to Sea World. It was a great diversion for Megan to also get away and have fun with us. The 3 girls and I toted my 2 lil ones all around Sea World and we had a blast! {exhaustion, happiness}

Saturday night Taylor, Kamille, Trenton and Monique went to the Lake to see a concert. Some choices were made and my super mom intuition had kicked in. I knew something was up with they all wanted to spend the night at Kamille's. I put my foot down and insisted that I pick Trenton up. I am glad I did. Sadly I found out that my trust had been broken {disappointment, betrayal}. Taylor is eligible to return to rehab July 3rd based on availability. Pray that he gets in so that I will not worry while I am away {fear, gratitude}.

My husband has been down with the flu for several days and I am praying that I do not get it prior to leaving for our trip. {vulnerable, weakness}

Today is the start of a new week {apprehension}. I have so much to get done and so much to purchase before we leave {astonished}. I have no money to purchase all our necessities {trust} as I do not get paid on my photo orders until the day we leave! {resentment} I will just have to trust that God has it all under control.

The Services for Grandma Daisy will be on Thursday and Friday. Her viewing on Thursday night in Cypress at Forest Lawn and a Grave Side Burial on Friday morning. We will celebrate her life with a Memorial Service at Saddleback Church at 11:30 am on Friday July 2nd in Tent 3 - with a Reception following at the Harmsen/Artiano Home.

Pray for us all during this EMOTIONAL JOURNEY.

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

XOXO
Janean

Twenty Two Days

2010-06-16T16:17:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite numbers...22.

Two plus Two = 4...God gave me 4 BOYS!

In just 22 days we will be on a plane bound for Africa. Wow. I didn't think a year ago that the time would come so fast! I am so excited!

The past few weeks have been very challenging. Today is a good day. Taylor was released from the Phoenix House for "falling off" his sobriety path. He went to court and was given another court date - he has 30 days to get back into the program. He is eligible to return to the Phoenix House on July 3rd barring any drug use. He went to see his Probation Officer and he needs to return on the 24th to be tested. If he tests positive he will face 6 months in jail. He started new meds and has his good days and his bad. Today is good. That is all I can ask for.

Tonight we have Kids Small Group Graduation. I am so sad to see the year end. I loved every minute of leading Class 101. I am looking forward to teaching a Summer 101 Class with Kamille when I return from Africa. I am sure the Summer will fly by and it will be time for Class 201 in no time. I love each of my students. Unique, each one in their special way. It has been a joy to serve. I think I got more from them than they did from me!

Tomorrow Turner is being recognized at his school for his outstanding Respect, Integrity and Responsibility. I am so proud! Friday Trevan will attend a screening at Westpark Elementary. He is going to repeat Kindergarten next year at a new school with Turner. They will start on July 26th just 2 days after I return home from Africa. Short summer for them as the new school year round. Friday night we have our Rwanda Team Pot Luck Dinner and send off for Team One.

Next week is filled with field trips, end of the year party, Trenton Graduates from 8th Grade, Kamille and Megan Graduate from High School, Trenton and I get more shots for Africa, Taylor visits Probation and then we end the week with a trip to Sea World with Chloe and Danyelle! Whew! Hope I make it!

Lord give me strength!

How can I complain? Lots to celebrate and rejoice in! Thank you Lord! <3

Off to Kids Small Group - last night for the year! :o(

XOXO
Janean

Forcast today...Foggy with a chance of SUN

2010-06-08T12:07:00.000-07:00

I wish I could go back in time to the days where I had just Taylor. Walking along the beach as a young family. What could I have done differently? This is the age old question. If you had to do it all over again, what would you change?

We can't go back. We can't change the past. We can only focus on the here and now.

My here and my now is covered in a deep, dense fog. I feel like I could sleep for days. I am in a mode of confusion. The past four days have been a living nightmare.

Thursday afternoon we got a call from Taylor. He told us that after nearly 50 days of sobriety, he fell into the snare of temptation. He used drugs and got kicked out of the Phoenix House. Our world was once again turned upside down.

We knew that one day, he could stumble and fall. We had just not prepared ourselves. We had no plan in place. Confusion set in.

Over the course of the next four days we dealt with drugs, pain, confusion, anger, hurt, remorse, guilt, addiction, mistakes, psychosis, illness, mental confusion, withdrawl, tears, violent outbursts, exhaustion, a hospital visit, sleeplessness, fear, uncertainty, doctor's appointments, phone calls, fighting, arguing, helplessness, hopelessness, surrender - the list goes on and on.

We do not know what tomorrow holds. I don't even know what the next hour holds. I am weary and burdened. I know that God will give me rest. I am just waiting for that to happen. I am confused. I am worn down. I am trying to give it up to God, and not just "give up". It is just so hard to do. I struggle. I fall. I get back up. I hold on to HOPE.

Taylor made a mistake. It is now up to him to do the right thing. He is to appear in court on Thursday. In all probability he will go to jail. He will face the consequences of his actions.

Is this what I want for my son, no. Do I have any control over it, no. I have to accept that whatever happens - it is in God's plan. I know that God has a plan for his life and for mine. I have to TRUST in that. It is all I can do.

I have a lot on my plate. I want a peace that surpasses all understanding. I am preparing my heart to go on a Mission half way across the world. I can not let Satan steal my focus, my clarity. I will fight each step of the way to keep my eye on the prize. Giving it all to God, the pain, the glory, the disappointments the victories.

He has it all figured out.

I just have to rest in that.

Pray for me, pray for us. Prayer is powerful - this I know.

XOXO
Janean

36 days and counting!

2010-06-02T09:44:00.000-07:00

Last night I got the honor of meeting Pastor Francis from Christ Gospel Fellowship Church in Rwanda. I met his wife Dorothy a couple of years ago. At that time, I found out that they are involved with The ABC Foundation

Here is some info on their program:

Mission and History

Abana B’umwami Children’s Foundation

Abana B’umwami Foundation started in 2002 in Kigali, Rwanda as a sponsorship program to provide tuition and school supplies to the children of Rwanda. Under the direction of Pastor Francis Mutabazi, the program initially supported 40 children, either orphaned or living in extreme poverty.

A small team of missionaries from Calvary Chapel La Habra (CCLH) ventured to Rwanda in 2005 and had the opportunity to meet most of these children and many many more in need of support. At the same time, Pastor Francis and his community were praying for an answer, as the support for the program was not enough to meet the needs.

The team from CCLH came back with a burden to participate in this foundation. Within months of coordinating with Pastor Francis and presenting the needs to the body at CCLH, the Abana B’umwami foundation was not only able to continue to support the 40 original children, but it has grown to 200 children four years later.

With over 1 million orphans and over 101,000 child-headed households in Rwanda, there is a continual need that you can help meet.

I accessed their site and adopted a little girl named Rosine. I am so pleased to share with you that I get to meet her when we are in Kigali! If you would like to be involved by sponsoring a child check out their site! ABC HOME

I can't express how excited I am about our trip! This Saturday Trenton and I will get our Travel Immunizations. We have a huge praise. Yesterday I was told how much we needed exactly for the shots. I then prayed asking God to find a way - as I did not have the funds. When I checked the mail I found a check in the exact dollar amount needed for the shots! It was a payment from almost a year ago that had not found it's way to us until now. Wow - God is amazing!

Just a reminder about the PEACE SKILLS TRAINING this Saturday at Saddleback. If you are interested in going on a PEACE TRIP there are 17 modules to choose from!

Check it out here:
June 5th PEACE SKILLS TRAINING

Keep those prayers coming as we count down the days until we leave!
Thanks for being a part of our journey!
xoxo
Janean

If Heaven Was Needing A Hero

2010-05-31T18:25:00.000-07:00

Spiritual Warfare

2010-05-30T10:07:00.000-07:00

In preparation for our Mission Trip we were told to expect Spiritual Warfare. I have seen it a time or two, have lived it on occasion. It is very mighty and powerful and very real. If you have never been through it first hand you may think I am a whack-o. You see, when you are preparing to do something for the greater glory of God's Kingdom, the enemy wants to stop you at all cost.

Members of our Mission Team are all undergoing these battles. We can't let Satan win and expend useless energy on it. We must remain focused on our "mission" and forge on. I have been reading a lot on this subject and came across this:

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

This is what manhood is. This is what God is after. This is what he wants to make us in Christ. But the battle is not to become this kind of a man, for this is the kind of man Christ makes us when we follow him. The battle is to show it, to reveal it, to manifest what we are and thus to refuse to believe the lies that keep us weak and make us act like and animal rather than a man. Put on the whole armor of God, all that Christ is, pray, and having done all, stand!

I have learned in recent dealings that people may falsely accuse you. People will misunderstand you. I could choose to "fight the fight" or stand - silent. God does not want me to waste energy trying to win battles, but rather rest in that He knows my heart and the truth. I have a clear perspective, which I know comes from Him. Yes, there are two sides to every story. People forget this. If my side is never heard, so be it. No one is perfect and in all disagreements both parties make mistakes. To quote someone who recently wrote me:

"Do not be discouraged, just learn from your mistake and others... continue to have a forgiving heart and others will show you the same. God is about unconditional love and forgiveness."

This is very true. I can only pray that he molds my heart to have this forgiving heart and freely love and forgive unconditionally.

Battles can not be won with words. Only in time will people see through action and deed who you really are. It will be then that they can see your heart and see you for who God has created you to be. We are forever evolving and changing. We have to be open to learn from our hardships, take from them a lesson and change for the greater good. If we do not learn we will be tested time and again.

I have a mighty job ahead of me. The flaming arrows will come. It is what I do with them that is the test. Right now I choose to stand. Stand firm in knowing that God sees the truth in all. He is my rock and my fortress. When any believer, even the newest and weakest, stands in the strength of Christ, puts on the whole armor of God, and, in dependence upon the presence of God in prayer, stands; the devil is always defeated.

Pray for our team members, or family and our friends as we all experience spiritual warfare each day.
Pray for us all to stand, as we know it is then that the devil is defeated!

XOXO
Janean

43 days...

2010-05-26T09:04:00.000-07:00

Well - here we are. 43 days until Trenton and I leave for RWANDA. Today is the deadline to have the $8000 required for us to go, turned in.

Yesterday I was blown away by the donations that came in. People have touched me so deeply by helping us with our trip. It is not about the amount of money donated - it is the fact that people actually care, and take the time to show it.

It the hustle and bustle of our world today it is so easy to just let things slide by. I know - I am guilty of this as well. I always have good intentions but sometimes time gets away from me and I miss a deadline to help someone or attend something that I had wanted to.

Today, for example my husband accidentally messed up our clock. He set the alarm WAY too early (in my humble opinion) and when the alarm went off at what was suppose to be 6:00 am - it was really 5:00 am.   I heard the radio announcer say "It's 5:02 am" and I said "WHY?!! are we waking up at this hour when Trenton's appointment is not until 8:00 am??" Then in an effort to fix the clock - my husband grumbled and fumbled for an eternity, making it impossible to slip back into dreamland.

I tossed and turned and never got the extra 2 hours of much needed sleep. I got up and over breakfast my youngest sneezes right into his cereal bowl showering he and his brother in milk! After cleaning up that mess, we set off for school and as I am looking for a parking spot a small over exuberant child darts in front of my van.

I swerve to avoid killing him {just what I did not need today} and clip the plastic bumper of a parked car sending the plastic piece flying. I quickly find a spot and shuffle the kids out to go give the person my info. Upon reaching where they were parked - I find them gone and the plastic piece laying in the road.

Now what?

Frustrated I head for home listening to a lecture from my 5 year old on how I should be more careful when driving.

So, you see - I know times are tough and people are busy. That is why each and every dollar that has come in has meant so much! I am so proud to announce that we have officially met our goal!! God once again provided. He touched just the right people and the money all came in!

I am now just working on collecting/earning $317 for our travel immunizations and then some money to purchase items we need to take with us. I would also like to take some spending money for use in the country.

BUT - this is small compared to the $8000 that we have worked hard to raise since last year!! I feel so proud and a great sense of accomplishment! I feel like each person who helped is going along with us in spirit!

God has more than met us half way lately. I am always so amazed when He provides for our needs. It is like Christmas. I pray and He answers.   All in His time...that is the part we all have to grow accustom to. Nothing happens when we want it to!

Patience and Perseverance. Two things I have grown to know well.

I love this quote: "Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did."

So, today is a happy day. We have met our trip requirement. I have lost another pound. I have food in my fridge. I have patience and I have persevered. I have hope and I have love in my heart!

Who could ask for more?
Thanks for being a part of my journey!
XOXO
Janean

Forgiveness

2010-05-20T13:08:00.000-07:00

Last night in our Kids Small Group we taught a lesson on FORGIVENESS. It was really great to see these innocent kids and their take on being forgiven and forgiving others.

We need to stop and ask ourselves - how forgiving are we?

Do you harbor resentment or hold grudges against others? Do you have broken relationships that need repair?

Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and/or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. Is it easier to be forgiven than to forgive - you bet!

It's funny how we long to be forgiven but find it hard to forgive others. Some people EXPECT forgiveness yet can not or will not forgive others.

Forgiveness plays a huge part in my sons recovery. He has to forgive himself and allow us also to forgive him. As his mother I can't help but to pardon him, as Jesus pardons me. But we do not always feel this way with friends or loved ones.

I found the following on forgiveness:

In the New Testament, Jesus speaks of the importance of Christians forgiving or showing mercy towards others. The Parable of the Prodigal Son and the Parable of the unforgiving servant are perhaps the best known instances of such teaching and practice of forgiveness.

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus repeatedly spoke of forgiveness, “Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.” Matthew 5:7 (NIV) “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar.

First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.” Matthew 5:23-24 (NIV) “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” Mark 11:25 (NIV)

“But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also.” Luke 6:27-29 (NIV) “Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” Luke 6:36 (NIV) “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” Luke 6:37 (NIV)

Elsewhere, it is said, "Then Peter came and said to Him, 'Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?' Jesus said to him, 'I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.'" Matthew 18:21-22 (NAS)

Jesus asked for God's forgiveness of those who crucified him. "And Jesus said, 'Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.'" Luke 23: 34 (ESV)

The Christian statement on forgiveness is best demonstrated in the Gospel message itself, namely that the Godhead chose to forgive mankind not for their own merit, but by unmerited favor. Unlike other religions, a Christian's forgiveness is given because of Christ's sacrifice, and can not be obtained by any works done by the Believer.

Out of the basis of this forgiveness, believers are motivated to forgive all debts because of their debt Christ forgave at His own expense.

So, let me ask you...who do you need to forgive? Or, who do you need to ask for forgiveness from?

Once you allow yourself to do so it is then, and only then...that you will be set free.

Free your heart...and the rest will follow. No one is perfect. Especially me.

{Taylor I hope you can forgive me for anything I have done to hurt you along this journey}

XOXO
Janean

Unburden your heart

2010-05-17T13:19:00.000-07:00

Oh!, to be able to live running through life with reckless abandon!

Being a kid again sounds pretty enticing right now. Ask me, "How burdened is your heart?" and I will have to tell you it's on overload.

I am guilty. I am carrying burdens that are not mine to bear. But as a mom, how can you not?

We had a home visit with Taylor yesterday and it was so stressful. The severity of his mental illnesses were very clear. He spent more time in turmoil and being upset, overly obsessed and attempting to control situations than he did smiling or enjoying "moments". This weighs heavily on my heart. I carry this burden. He is MY child.

I have to stop and think, that I am God's child. If I feel this burdened over one of my own - how must he feel? He tells me to come back to Him when I feel there is nowhere to run. I have to do this. I have to let Him carry my burdened heart. I beg Him to fix my child. Release him from the pain - be his refuge, his reason, his strength. I need Taylor to find God.

Taylor is in my heart. He is ingrained, intertwined and connected to my inner being. Yet, I can not fix him. All I can do is watch when his world falls down around his feet. I see his pain. I hear his fear.
I need to lay these burdens down before the one most high. Yet this is so hard.

If you have never been in my place, please take a moment to thank the Lord for your healthy child.

Speaking of health and children...Trenton had a visit to the ER last week and we found that he has a medical condition that could be serious, or nothing at all. We are in the process of finding a specialist to help in this determination. Another burden for my heart -- that I will lay at God's feet.

Stace hurt his back and has not had enough work to make ends meet. We are down to the last leaves from the money tree. No way to get food for the kids, and pay rent. We were forced to go and apply for help today. Not a fun burden to bear - so I will give this up too.

I feel sorry for God. How many burdens does he get laid at his feet a day? Oh, I forgot -- HE can handle it. He is almighty. I smile when I think about how He can turn gray skies blue, clear storm clouds and place a bright shiny sun in their place.

How great is our God? It would be amazing to be Him for a day!

Some days I feel so helpless. Yet I am hopeful. I have to be. I have no other choice.

I am praying that you too, can unburden your heart along with me and lay all your heavy burdens at God's feet. Today is today -- tomorrow is new. Each new day brings Grace.

As Taylor would say, "Take it one day at a time, mom. That is all you can do".

XOXO
Janean

Icing on the cake...

2010-05-14T09:16:00.000-07:00

What puts the icing on YOUR cake?

I thought of this yesterday as I was locked in the bathroom
{involuntarily locked in... I will add}.

I went in with only 30 minutes to spare before I went to pick up my 3rd son from school. I throw my towel up over the shower glass and shut the door - as always.

I took my shower and when I went to make my hasty exit found that the door was, well...broken. It would not open. I pulled and I yanked. I juggled and I banged. I then started yelling for my youngest son. "Trevan! Trevvvvvan!" I shouted and banged on the door. I then pounded on the walls. NOTHING.

I then remembered that I had turned on the stereo and that he was in my bedroom watching T.V. - probably at a higher than normal volume to drown out my music coming from the stereo.

GREAT! Just Great. My son would come out of school and sit on a brick wall waiting for me and I would be here...stuck in the steamy, teeny-tiny apartment bathroom. I continued to bang and pound and shout.

So many thoughts raced through my mind. How long would it be before Trevan came looking for me? When was my husband due home? I could be locked in here for hours! I could die of boredom! I will be found naked in a towel too tiny to cover me, how traumatic for my loved ones!

I usually bring the phone into the bathroom when I take a shower "just in case someone calls..."
OH, NO! Not today! A break in routine. Hummm - okay God. What do you want to talk to me about? You have my full attention. You really don't have to LOCK me in the bathroom to get my attention, I promise!

So, I sat. I sat perfectly still and silent. I started thinking, and thinking.

I keep telling my oldest son, Taylor "God does not waste a hurt..."

I then reflected on an incident that he just had with a counselor making fun of his weight. He tried to go to the counselor to ask that he stop and the guy dismissed him and teased him further. His anger bubbled over and he was threatened with release from the program. He tried to do the right thing - and did not get the result he desired.

I then called the Program Director who said because of this incident - policy would change. A staff meeting was called and the counselor was dealt with -- THE ICING ON THE CAKE.

So, as I thought of these things and continued to bang and knock and yell for Trevan I tried to find the icing on the cake.

Hummm...nothing in here. I paced back and forth and as I decided to "tidy up" I fluffed the bath mat only to find a missing earring! Ah... THE ICING ON THE CAKE!

After what seemed like forever Trevan came to the door and tried to rescue me. He could not get it open either! GREAT...panic set in. I quickly calmed down and talked my son through on how to get a butter knife and try to force the lock open.

Finally after my 25 minutes of confinement I was freed. He wiggled and jiggled and finally forced it open. ICING ON THE CAKE!

With only 5 minutes to dress and get to the school we made a mad dash.

As I pulled up to the school I found a front row parking spot - more ICING!

I saw my son sitting on the little brick wall waiting with his teacher. I ran to them and apologized telling the teacher of my confinement. She then asked if I had spoken to the Principal. I had not. She then told me that Turner had been told NOT to throw a rock and he did anyway. He was teary eyed and asked if I was mad. We made our way home and discussed the incident.

Upon returning home, I retrieved the message left by the Principal. She was chuckling as she told me that Turner age 6 years old {who has aspergers} Got a citation and suspension from playground play for the next 3 days for throwing a rock (aimed at no one). When sent to the Principal's Office he told her - "Mrs. Boone told me not to throw the ROCK. You see, I did not throw a ROCK it was just a "pebble"...had she said "do not throw the pebble" I would not have thrown it!"

THE ICING ON MY CAKE! I so love this bright little boy I have been blessed with! Gotta love a kid with a high IQ!

I vow to go through my life trying to find the icing instead of grumbling over the crumbs. Thanks God, for teaching me a lesson.

HOPE YOU CAN FIND THE ICING ON YOUR CAKE TODAY!
XoXo
Janean

Like the grain of sand that lodges in an oyster shell and becomes a lovely pearl, the little irritations of life can bring the beauty of God's Splendor to your inner self...

layer by layer.

All In His Time...

2010-05-12T11:15:00.000-07:00

Trevan Noah - 5 {and a half years} old

Well, here I am. Just 2 weeks away from my Fund raising Deadline for RWANDA. The people who I thought would support me, have surprisingly not been my biggest fans! Others have blessed me beyond measure! God's timing - perfect.

I still have a little over $2400 to go and also need money for immunizations. I will keep my faith. This is God's Project - therefor he will provide all my needs.

I have been met with some opposition and a lot of curiosity as to the "why" we are going. I thought this would be an appropriate time to "share" with all of you as to the "why" - here is my letter...

“Life isn’t how many years you live, but what you do with the life you are given.”

Dearest Friends and Family.

I know how busy our lives are and that time is precious, so I will try to keep this brief, yet; I have so much to share with you!

It is my prayer that when you receive this letter you are afforded the opportunity to pause, take a moment and really read it.

Some of you receiving this letter have known me since I was a child. Others, have shared special moments in my life, moments that have helped shape who I have become.
Yet, some of you I have never met, yet our paths have crossed by divine appointment. I am learning that God puts everyone in your life for a purpose. Nothing He does is by accident.

Trenton and I are traveling to Rwanda, Africa in July on a Mission Trip. It is not by chance that we are going, and the Lord already knows the work that will be done for His glory.

You see a few short years ago I thought of myself as just an ordinary wife and mother to 4 boys. I had known the Lord my whole life. I had tried to follow a good path, strayed away and then come back again. I had not done anything that I had thought was "special". I had no real "ah-ha" moments in my Christian walk. I told the women in my small group that I "had NO testimony." I was bothered by this as I took my first mission trip to the Indian Reservations in South Dakota. I had nothing to really "share" with these people. I was just me - no one special - someone without a testimony. Oh, how I wished I had a testimony!

I now know that you need to be very careful what you wish for.

A short time later the Lord gave me a testimony.

I lost a business that I had worked very hard to build and a friend in that process. It was painful and stretched me beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I learned humility, grace, understanding and forgiveness - some of which have taken me to this day to refine. During this painful time my son, Taylor was involved in a skateboarding accident that left him with a brain injury. While dealing with the turmoil of losing the business and my livelihood I was in the throes of taking care of a mentally impaired son that already struggled with drug addiction. Things went from bad to worse as I found myself slipping into a depression. I wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear. The days and months stretched on with nothing positive to offer. Taylor's addiction and violent outbursts grew severe.

Then two days before my 20th wedding anniversary I received the phone call that catapulted our lives into a downward spiral that was unthinkable. My husband had been involved in a roll over collision and nearly lost his arm. After several surgeries, he was unable to work. Not only was I forced to "come out of myself" to care for him, but I had to care for Taylor and my other three boys. I had no time to wallow in self-pity, no time to be depressed. The only thing I could cling to was HOPE. I could feel myself slipping away as I wondered who I really was. "Who am I becoming?" and "Why God?" were questions that I seeked answers for. Our situation perplexed me.

With my husband unable to work we found ourselves being evicted from our home. Nearly everything we owned had to be sold, given away or placed in storage. Material possessions quickly lost their "value" as we fought to just hang on to the promise that tomorrow could bring. We had no idea where we would live. I moved through life on "auto-pilot" taking care of details with energy that could have only come from above. I never dreamed that I would become "homeless". I thought of "homeless" people as helpless.
Is this what we had become?

God provided. Strangers came together and put us up in a beautiful hotel that became our home for months. As we lived in 400 square foot of space not knowing at times where Taylor was because he had become addicted to drugs and alcohol we continued to HOPE and pray. I knew that the Lord had a plan. It was so hard to know what that plan was and to wait on His timing, but we had no other choice. We were blessed immeasurably by countless people who offered prayers, financial support and gifts. God's presence was very present in our day-to-day lives.

Through our trials we were blessed.

A year ago this month we were able to move into a small apartment in Irvine, CA. We moved here so that Turner could receive Special Education for his Autism Spectrum Disorder and diagnosis of Aspbergers. Over the past year while remaining hopeful and faithful that the Lord had a plan, Stace lost the job that he got as we moved from the Hotel. Taylor battled with drug addiction, mental illness, depression and alcoholism. His behavior grew worse each week and at times I did not know how we would go on. He was hospitalized 8 times within a year - trying to take his life or overdosing on drugs or alcohol. He would have such violent outbursts that the police had to be called countless times. Our family was traumatized time and again by his violence.

We felt like we were walking on egg shells and prisoner in our own home. We had to result to putting him in a homeless shelter, only to have him return a few weeks later after leaving and being attacked on the streets. He was arrested 3 times and help was not in sight.

On my birthday, the 16th of April I experienced a miracle.

We had one door then another slammed in our faces in an effort to get Taylor help. We had been scammed out of $2500 by a con artist posing to run a Christian REHAB facility. We were told after he was sentenced by the courts to REHAB that there was a 12 week waiting list which we placed him on. Twelve long weeks went by and as he was on formal probation he still abused drugs and alcohol without result . I received a phone call on the 15th telling me that he was being released from jail and had no where they could place him. He did not qualify for a homeless shelter due to his violence. He did not qualify for REHAB because of his mental illness. He was hopeless.

I ripped my heart out before God and told him this was HIS, not mine - as I was done. I could not handle this any longer. I had spent 4 hours on the phone as each person told me that they could offer nothing. I was told the court had no record of him being sentenced to REHAB. I was told by his social worker she had hit a brick wall and had nothing to offer. The Phoenix House told me that they do not accept Medi-Cal and that they did not even have him on the waiting list. I lost myself that day. I gave up on trying to control my destiny and I totally surrendered to God.

Crying and spent I laid crumpled on the floor a total mess with my 5 year old helplessly looking on.

I then received a phone call minutes later that Taylor could be placed in the PHOENIX HOUSE REHAB the next morning.

It was nothing short of a full-fledged miracle.

My hope, my faithfulness and my perseverance - had all paid off. He had heard my cries and He answered, He did not leave me, nor forsake me.

You see my friend, THIS is why Trenton and I are going to RWANDA .

I now have a testimony. I am indebted to God.

I have to tell those who have lost their will and feel helpless, that their situation is not HOPELESS.

Total surrender is nothing that can be taught - it is a state of mind. Being brought to your knees before the one who is most high and letting go - is indescribable. I am far from perfect and make mistakes each day. What gets me through is knowing that I have hope and grace and a new fresh start each time the sun rises. Our God is a loving and forgiving God. He made us for a purpose. He made us to love Him.

Our lives are so far from perfect and at times I feel broken. God heals my broken heart, He holds it in the palm of His hand, he gives me the strength to go on. Trenton and I needed $8000 to travel to Rwanda. We have raised all but $2600. Our deadline is MAY 26th to have our additional funds!

You may have already donated to our trip financially and for that I am so grateful.

What I am asking is for you to pray and ask God how He wants you to help us.
We want you to be a part of this incredible experience whether it be through financial support or prayer support.

Below I have outlined some of our needs. I ask that you pray and let the Lord lead you. This is much bigger than you, much bigger than me.

God has brought us together to do great things for the greater glory of His kingdom. I feel honored to have you in our lives and would be so touched if you decided to embark on this journey with us!

God already knows what will happen and how this trip will touch the lives of so many. I hope that by sharing with you, some of what we have lived through, your life will be touched in a positive way.

It is my prayer that you too learn how to be satisfied with what you once thought could bring no satisfaction. I pray that you can find happiness in things that were once taken for granted. I pray that you find peace in solitude that at one time you may have thought to be loneliness. I pray you can find it in your heart to love the unlovable and find hope in the hopelessness. I pray that you too, will find the deep peace in living simply so that others can simply live. These are my prayers for you.

It is my hope that spending this time with my son, Trenton; that we can form a bond and a foundation that can not be broken. Please pray for blessings on this wish.

If you feel led to support us financially - here are our needs:

You can make a tax-deductible donation by sending a check made out to:
SADDLEBACK CHURCH with only the TRIP ID in the memo - Trip #6547

Please mail it to me:
Janean Lindner
51 Southbrook
Irvine, CA 92604

Trenton and I still need around $600 for Travel Immunizations.

We also need financial support for necessities and expenses.
If you wish to support us personally - you can send a check made out to:
Janean Lindner

Many thanks to however you choose to bless us on our Mission!!
If you feel led to support us in Prayer - here are some requests:
Pray that we raise all necessary funds to go on the trip.
Pray for our family's finances.
Pray for our health, and Janean's continued weight loss.
(I am down 10 pounds with 10 to go before our trip)
Pray for our family as we prepare to leave - all the logistics of Stace caring for the little guys while we are gone.
Pray for Taylor's success in REHAB.
Pray for our team as we will face attacks from the enemy.
Pray for God's will in all of our lives.

Blessings -
Janean and Trenton Lindner

Do you love without limits?

2010-05-05T09:05:00.000-07:00

Do you know how to LOVE WITHOUT LIMITS?

At first response you may say "Of Course!" But do you really?

Jesus loves us unconditionally. Do we love the people in our lives this way? I have really been giving this a lot of thought. Ask yourself this question - "Do I love others without limits?"
You can get pretty deep on this if you take time to ponder HOW you love the people in your life.

Take your children. One by one. Think of how much you love them.
The amount of love I have for my kids is immeasurable. But, do I put limits on my love?

Take your friends. One by one. Do you place limits on how much you love them? Do they on you?

I know that I am guilty of protecting my heart. I have been hurt. I don't like to be hurt. I hold back. This is putting limits on my love.
I can give more to a stranger than I can to say, my husband. I can give more to my kids than to a stranger. LIMITS.

Interesting to think about, isn't it?

I think you can see this "Love Limiting" a bit more in our relationships with friends.
I have friends that LOVE me hands down without limits.
I have others that I know put limits on how much they love me, as demonstrated in their word and actions.

I then have to ask myself "Why?"

Have they been hurt? Are they holding back? Have I not demonstrated that I can be the friend that they need me to be?
What can I do to allow them to "love me without limits"?

Going through life pointing fingers at others is no way to grow. If you point a finger at someone - there are three pointing back at you.

As I prepare to go on Mission to RWANDA I have done a lot of "heart checking". I know that the Lord uses situations in our lives, conflict especially, to grow us.

We have had our share of conflict with our son Taylor. In his therapy he is learning who he is and why he has masked his pain with drugs and alcohol. Self discovery is hard.

I have spent a lot of time in prayer. I have asked God to show me in my hurts and pain the "WHAT". What can I do, what can I learn and what can I take away from this pain to better myself.
God does not waste a hurt. He uses our trials to refine us, but this only works if we are open to see what he wants us to.

I am going to work on my ability to LOVE WITHOUT LIMITS. Not an easy task, but one that I think I can succeed at. How about you?

XOXO
Janean

Unraveling...

2010-05-03T10:25:00.000-07:00

Satan thinks he is good. He can find that one thread that is tiny, fragile and pick at it. He picks and picks until he has it in his ugly grasp. He then starts to painfully pull that tiny string and slowly attempt to unravel the threads of our lives that have been knit together for the Glory of God's Kingdom.

He can't stand to see something pure. He wants NO Glory for God. He wants to distract us from going down the path that leads us to righteousness. He can unravel the fragile, delicate plans one thread at a time. He is not mighty like our God. He has to stoop to the depths of deception and evil.

He will not will his battle with me. He can unravel my tiny threads. He can attack me. He can attack my sons. He can attack my business. He can attack my friendships. He can pull at me, one tiny thread at a time. I feel like things are unraveling quickly. I can panic. I can run and hide. I can give in, I can give up. He forgets that I have a choice. I have free will.

My free will can not allow him to separate me from my God and unravel all of me. I am a creation that God has knit together. He can not bind me with his chains. I will lift my voice and cry out to the Heavens. God will hear my cries and will not leave me in the depths of confusion. Only He can erase these doubts. I will lay my burdens down at His mighty feet. Nothing is too big for MY God.

So go ahead Satan, unravel my sweater. I will let God's Glory resound! I have warriors who will pray with me, their knees will bow. Together we will bind you, Satan. You pull my threads, unravel my sleeves. I may have a vest when you are finished, but I will wear my vest proudly. I will go forth boldly. You can attempt to unravel me, but you will not ruin me.

XOXO
Janean

2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (GOD’S WORD Translation)

³Of course we are human, but we don’t fight like humans. ⁴The weapons we use in our fight are not made by humans. Rather, they are powerful weapons from God. With them we destroy people’s defenses, that is, their arguments ⁵and all their intellectual arrogance that oppose the knowledge of God. We take every thought captive so that it is obedient to Christ.

Angels on Earth?

2010-04-30T17:56:00.000-07:00

Today marks the 14th day that Taylor has been in the Phoenix House.

Our lives now, at times border on boring. I can not describe the strange peace that has fallen on our home like a blanket of fresh, unspoiled snow. The beauty of knowing that our son is safe and warm at night is indescribable. I have a sense of calm when I lay my head on my pillow at night. I feel like I have been given a new life. We have all been given a new life. A refuge. We have been blessed. Our bruised and broken hearts have been mended.

It is not that we do not miss Taylor, we do. We miss HIM, the Taylor that we once knew, but not the person he had become. We have not seen the real Taylor in a long time. The Taylor that is not impaired, high or intoxicated. The happy, content Taylor. That boy has been gone a long time. The impact of his addiction is clear in his younger brothers. One misses him, one does not mention him, one is inquisitive yet at peace that he is away.

Yet, he is very loved. He always has been and always will be.

Today I wanted to call the man who was instrumental in "giving Taylor a chance". The man who after many phone calls and doors slammed shut - called me with the words that changed my life. The man who told me that he had arranged for Taylor to get into the Phoenix House. I went back to listen the voice mail with his name and number on it and then called.

I asked for him and was told - "There is no one here by that name." So, I asked "What number can I reach him at?" I was put on hold only to be told that no one in the office had ever heard of him.

Shocked - I listened to the voice mail again and re-dialed. I asked for a supervisor. After being placed on hold a woman came on. I told her that on Thursday, April 15th at 2:32 pm I got a message from Mark Sailors at this number. I told her that he left me a message and that he was the one who arranged for my son to get into the Phoenix House. She told me that they did not have an employee by that name or any name close to that. She was matter of fact - to the point and was borderline annoyed with my instance. She curtly told me to have a nice day and ended the call.

I immediately went to my laptop - I Googled his name looking for an answer, an explanation. Nothing.

"LET IT BE" rung in my head. " JUST LET IT BE."

Weird. Totally weird. Unexplainable. Tiny hairs on my neck and arms stood at attention sending a cold chill down my spine.

Irritated, yet intrigued I rushed about getting ready to go meet my friend Karen for lunch. I will ask Karen what she thinks. She will have an answer. Satisfied I drove to meet her with Trevan in tow. We chatted and caught up with each other over a nice meal.

As our time together was drawing to an end - I asked her
"What do you know about Angels?" setting the tone prefacing the question with "Don't think I am crazy or anything, but..."
She said - "Oh, I think they exist for sure!" Then I told her what had happened.

She shuttered and rubbed her arms - "Whoo - I just got the chills!" she responded. "Yeah - weird; huh?" I told her I had the same reaction. We both agreed - that it was God's hand.

We smiled at each other then we just "LET IT BE."

I have shared this with 2 others this afternoon - and both people also, got the chills.

Amazing. God, He is a mighty AMAZING God. I know this, yet - I am surprised each time he reveals Himself to me. Why is that? I know he is almighty and powerful.

He tells us to expect miracles. I just am so human. Forgive me Father, for not having more faith and trust in YOUR word.

I feel chosen. Taylor was chosen. It is not an accident. Years of sorrow.

God chose to bring us through the storm to taste this incredibly flavored rainbow in the form of a miracle. He knew that before Taylor was born he would enter into a rehab center after years of addiction on MY 43rd Birthday. It was already written in Taylor's Life Book.

I know that man who called me - was an Angel. An Angel that God sent to deliver that message. The message that WE would be delivered.

For this I will be eternally grateful.

XOXO
Janean

Angels are essentially “ministering spirits,” (Hebrews 1:14) and do not have physical bodies like humans. Jesus declared that “a spirit hath not flesh and bones, as ye see me have” (Luke 24:37-39). The Bible does, however, make it clear that angels can only be in one place at a time. They must have some localized presence. Angels can take on the appearance of men when the occasion demands. How else could some “entertain angels unaware” (Hebrews 13:2)?

Expecting Miracles

2010-04-21T12:53:00.000-07:00

I must admit it has taken me nearly 5 days to digest what has happened.

You see, I know that I have experienced a miracle.

On Thursday April 15th shortly after I hit "post" on the entry below, I got another phone call. It was one in a series of calls that transpired over the next few hours.

I had been told that Taylor was being released from jail and that his social worker could not place him ANYWHERE. He did not meet criteria for any of the homeless shelters, or programs that were offered for people like him. We were given NO options other than to let the jail turn him into the streets, penniless, unable to find shelter, without food and medicines.

HOW could I do that to my own son? I knew having him back in our home was not an option. I knew in my heart of hearts that I would be having an emotional breakdown on my birthday. Instead of going the next day for a much needed rest at my mom and dad's, I would be going to a mental hospital.

I ripped my heart out bleeding before God. I told Him He was going to have to "fix" this situation. I do not advocate "telling God what to do" - but I had reached a point of brokenness like I had never felt before.

Years of pent up frustration and anger spilled out. I cried, I shook, I prayed. Sadly, little Trevan looked on. He wanted to fix his mommy. He wanted to help me. I held him and I cried in between one dead end phone call then another.

I was told by the Public Defender's Office that Taylor was not even sentenced to REHAB - which he was. I was told by the Phoenix House that he was not and never was on their waiting list. I was told by his social worker that she had no options to offer me. DEAD ENDS. No help - no hope?

I dug deep. I had to cling to the last shred of HOPE that I had. I knew that the Lord will never leave nor forsake me. So, I stopped. I bossed God around. I told Him - "Here you go God - FIX this, because I can't. I need a MIRACLE and only YOU can do that."

I don't know what I expected. I did not actually expect a MIRACLE - those just don't happen everyday.

So, when I got a phone call a few minutes later from a man telling me that if we could bring Taylor to the Phoenix House when he was released from jail with 30 days of meds and they would take him, I nearly dropped the phone.

I felt a numbness come over me and I went into autopilot. I made one call then another - then another. Trying to process all the information and not get my hopes up. I knew somewhere, someone - had made an error. I knew this was too good to be true.

I called his doctor to find she left for the day. No problem. God took care of it. A nurse called her on her cell and got the prescriptions for 30 days of medication.

Taylor's Medi-Cal had been canceled. I knew his prescriptions would not be covered. No problem. God took care of that. We went to the pharmacy and found his insurance was still in effect.

We got the call at 12:30 in the morning to go pick him up from jail. It took 3 hours to get him home and we only had a couple hours of sleep before taking him to the Phoenix House.

Stace got him there only to find the admissions coordinator did not show up. They waited one hour, then another - then another. I was sitting on pins and needles knowing that the other shoe was about to drop. Here was the hammer. He would not get in - they would send him home. No problem. God took care of it. She finally arrived and he was accepted.

He was offered 3 months or 6 months and he took the 6 month program!

A MIRACLE - on my Birthday - I received a true MIRACLE. My son got into REHAB for SIX MONTHS!

He has been there for 5 days today. He is doing well. He will not see anyone for 30 days. We will go to an orientation on May 5th then attend family meetings each Thursday night after that.

He can earn phone calls and day passes.

I have prayed for a Miracle for my son - I just fell short - as I did not EXPECT God to hear me and answer my cries.

I encourage you to not only pray for but to expect and prepare for miracles to happen in your life. It will change you forever.

God has big plans for my son - I know that. I am just patiently waiting to see what he unfolds in His time.

Whatever it is - I know it will be AWESOME!
XoXo
Janean

I want to turn back the hands of time...

2010-04-15T14:38:00.000-07:00

Taylor age 5 circa 1996 holding Trenton age 4 months...I want to go back to these days!

My chest feels like I have an elephant sitting on it. My heart is racing. I can hear my pulse pounding inside my head. Panic ... I want to bolt for the door and run away.

I was making an attempt - a real honest to goodness, wholehearted attempt to have a "good day".

I was on my way to "walk" to Turner's school and let Trevan ride his scooter.
I was going to take the kids to the lake afterward and feed the ducks. All things were right and good in my world as I know it - until I got the phone call telling me that Taylor was being released TOMORROW.

"Are you kidding me?" I shrieked into the phone. "How is it possible when he was sentenced to 10 days in jail on the 13th?" That would be April 23rd - not April 16th!!! It seems that there is a new law to help save the State of California money. He got "credit" for the night he went in, and the day he went to court. SO that takes it to 8 days from the 12th. Then for each day he is there and has "good behavior" he gets a day knocked off. So, he has been there 4 days so he gets 4 days knocked off -- Happy Birthday to ME!

Instead of a reprieve and a restful, peaceful Birthday - I get to deal with Taylor. Lovely.

Okay God - what now?

I do not mean to appear insensitive and selfish here - but I am baked, fried and done!!

I can't deal with anymore lies, drug use, drunkenness, angry outbursts, destruction of property, being made a spectacle of in our apartment complex - and on and on.

Why can we not have just a little bit of PEACE from this hell we are living in? What is wrong with our system - we have nothing in place to help families like ours and people like Taylor.

They say that God never gives you more than you can handle - so I will have to rest in that. I feel like I can't take it - but know I will - I have no other choice than to dig deep.

Taylor will not and can not understand. He will expect to be welcomed home with open arms. He will have his apologies ready for us and for Kamille. He has had time to come up with the words to say--
the ones he thinks we need to hear. Sadly they will fall on deaf ears. We can not hear the excuses any longer. My head and heart is full - full of the lies and the excuses - they spill out now as fast as he can say them.

I lost my cell phone yesterday. Turner passed out in Mimi's Cafe. I thought that that was enough activity for one day, but I was mistaken.
Today's frustrations top those tenfold.

If I were a drinker - I'd be driven to drink. Instead I cheated. (well sorta) I sat down just now and instead of eating a late lunch - I ate a 140 calorie Skinny Cow Mint Chip Ice Cream Sandwich. It had my allotted carb count for the whole day - but hey - the day is almost over!

A girl just sometimes has to have a lil chocolate and ice cream to set her world right...

I'll keep you posted.
XOXO
Janean

Will I believe you when you say
Your hand will guide my every way?
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day?

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to RID my endless fears !
You've been so faithful for all my years !
With the one breath You make me new !
Your grace covers all I do !

No words to describe...

2010-04-12T01:52:00.000-07:00

Friday we were on the train pictured above as it crashed into a car killing a man. It is thought that the man drove onto the tracks on purpose. It was an emotional and stressful day - thinking that perhaps someone could have been in so much pain that they would want to end it all.

I had a strange feeling that something was about to smash into me just like the train smacked into the car. Now I know.

Taylor. My first born who I prayed so long and hard for.

I sit here with tears streaming down my face as fast as the rain falls from the sky.
I can't help but think that perhaps God is weeping too.

Tonight I called the police on my son.

Enough is enough. I can not sit by and watch him destroy the life that he has or the lives that we struggle to live. He continues to make one bad choice then another. He says we do not understand. He too, feels like he does not want to be here any longer. He is slowly destroying himself.

You would think that each time you watch your child being taken away by officers or medical professionals it would get easier. Not so. I sit here with pain, grief and the deepest sadness, every fiber of my being hurts.

I can not express how it feels to want to protect your child who now towers over you and outweighs you by more than 50 pounds. A child no longer. An adult in the eyes of the law.

I damn addiction to hell. I pray that the strongholds that have imprisoned my son will be broken. Drugs and alcohol hold nothing but destruction and ultimately death for my once bright and cheery boy.

Addiction is bold and brazen. It robs me of a life that I deserve to have. It puts fear into my household. It terrifies my young children. It angers my teenage son as he watches it destroy his older brother.

I am angry. I am devastated. I am hurt. I am weeping, yet I have hope. I have hope that God who is so much bigger than addiction - has a mighty plan for my child.

God loves him more than I ever could. I have to remember this as I sit unable to sleep. As I worry about what will happen to my son as he is taken to jail tonight.

He did not go in peace. He fought, screamed, kicked and resisted with all he had in him. My gut tied its self in knots as we could hear his screams. My legs went weak and my head pounded. I could see purple as the blood pumped and my heart felt like it was beating a hundred times faster. I felt like I was going to faint. I wanted to just disappear. I wanted to run and hide. People came out side to look, to gawk, their curiosity peaked. Embarrassment, shame, anger all flooded through me at once. Why is this happening - again?
What will it take to make this end?

He will not remember his actions tomorrow.
He will be sorry. He will show remorse. He will not understand why we did what we had to do.

We are trying to save him from himself, and save ourselves in the process from the evil ways of his addiction.

I cry out to Jesus...who knows my pain. He knows my suffering. He tonight will watch over Taylor, because I can not.

There is an eerie peace in our home tonight. Knowing that my son is not out in the cold rain intoxicated, doing who knows what; but that he is in custody of law enforcement brings a strange peace.

Not that I am worry free, don't get me wrong. I am still his mother. No matter what age he is I will always worry about his care and safety. I just am blessed to know that our Lord and Savior is doing just that -
SAVING him.

Now Lord - give us peace tonight. Let us rest.

For tomorrow is yet, another day...
with a whole new set of challenges.

Amen.

xoxo
Janean

Looking Up... It is my only option.

2010-04-08T15:01:00.000-07:00

I am just numb right now. I just learned after waiting what has seemed like an eternity - that Taylor is not even on the waiting list for The Phoenix House.

He met with them on February 9th and we were told he was being placed at that time on a waiting list. We have had him call every Tuesday and every Thursday to assure that his name is kept on the list and were never told any different.

Today after we have left 8 messages over the past 2 weeks we finally got a call back. I was transfered to someone who informed me that he was not on the list because they said he did not qualify. Due to the fact he is on meds he did not meet their criteria and that he needs further assessment. They would not place him on the list until the assessment was complete.

News to us! Now after 3 months of waiting - we are back to square one. They also told me that they do not even have a 45 day treatment plan unless it is privately paid for at the cost of $30,000. This is what the Public Defender pushed for not checking the facts - obviously. Taylor is not employed and can not support himself - nor can we afford $30,000 for a short treatment plan when we know he needs 6 months or a year.

I do not know what to do but cast my cares on Him.

Okay Lord, what now? I am at a breaking point. I can't take Taylor's behavior and attitude - we are held prisoner in our own home. The world has to revolve around his every move. His unpredictable behavior has everyone on high alert at all times. It is causing us all such undue stress.

But, what are our options? He is mentally unstable, uses drugs and alcohol to numb his madness. Even though he is on 3 years formal probation - that is seeming to be a joke. He went to his first appointment after he stayed out all night drinking and using. We just knew he would be tested and put in jail. No. He went only to find the probation officer was on vacation and he was told to return in 2 weeks! We can't catch a break!

It is sad when you hope that your child be placed behind bars. It is pitiful that you hope each time the phone rings that it is a rehab place calling with an opening for your child. Yet, what do you do? Unless one has lived in this madness you really can not wrap your mind around this situation.

I know it is easy looking in. I have been there. I have seen other people who I care about struggle. I have been where you are. It is easy to tell someone else what to do, how to live their life. Yet, there are so many facets. Tiny roots holding fast in the unstable soil.

You see, we are not just dealing with an addict. We are not just dealing with some one with a brian injury. We are not just dealing with a person who is mentally ill. We are not just dealing with a child.

We are dealing with OUR child who suffered a brain injury that exacerbated mental illness and depression and fed into addiction. If he were just an unruly teen that chooses to do drugs and use alcohol things could be dealt with differently. If we did not have to worry about his mental stability and the fact he feels he has nothing to live for - things could be different.

This is my reality. I love my son. I also love 3 other sons. I have the burden of making choices that are right for each of them. All have different needs. So do I.

Oh, Lord...please help us know what is right. Help our son get the help he so needs. Help us to hang on.

I want to live, not become a shell of a mother to my children.

XOXO
Janean

All who are thirsty
All who are weak
Come to the fountain
Dip your heart in the stream of life
Let the pain and the sorrow
Be washed away
In the waves of his mercy
As deep cries out to deep (we sing)

Come Lord Jesus come

Listening...

2010-04-03T11:59:00.000-07:00

Why is it so hard to stop and "hear" the voice of God?

I am always getting irritated with my husband and boys for not listening. I can't imagine how God must feel when he tries in vein to speak to us and we are too busy to "hear His voice."

I know the frustration that I feel. His frustration must be magnified times a million!

I had the honor of going to Sonoma State University to photograph some of the girls there. We stayed with sweet Chloe, a girl I have known since she was about 6. She has been a rock for me the past few years. She is far younger than I and is the same age as my son, yet I consider her to be a friend. She is studying to become a teacher. She sees a need and extends herself to others. She has many gifts that she may not yet see, but I know they are there. Her love and compassion for others will make her a wonderful teacher.

While there I got to meet some of her friends. It was such a blessing to me to see these girls as young and fresh and imagine what they will become. They are all so lovely and gifted in their unique way. Just how God planned. A Purpose for each.

I was able to be still while there. I walked the beautiful grounds of SSU and the Lord's work was all around. From the magnificent redwood trees to the tiny baby ducks. We saw trees laden with large sweet blooms. Bees humming in the magnolia trees carefully orchestrated with the chirping of the birds was music to my ears. We walked and walked, exploring here and there. Before we knew it four hours had passed. I was so blessed by that walk. I felt God's presence and felt a peace like I had not felt in a long, long time.

I have been "busy". So busy doing fund raising for our Rwanda Trip. Busy with my Photography. Busy taking care of my kids. Busy attempting to run a household. Busy with serving at Church. Just plain BUSY.

I had not taken time out to just "be still and know that He is God".

While photographing Chloe and Brittney in the flower field above I was surrounded by God's presence. There was no denying that He was there with us. I was so at peace that when we discovered Trevan had knocked Turner's pizza onto the car floor I did not react in anger. I was able to pick up the pieces, hug my son and tell him that we would get another. It felt amazing. I was not wound so tight that my first reaction was to snap!

Ahhhh, why had I not taken this "time out" sooner?

Over the few days that we were there I was able to stay up late, sleep in, have no demands placed on me (other than the "mommy" duties that come with a 5 and 6 year old). I enjoyed each moment for what it was. So refreshing.

We got to the airport to find that there was a delay. I had 3 hours to entertain the boys. Normally I would have been stressed by this. Not so. I thought of it as an adventure. We walked and talked. We went in and out of the stores exploring. It was actually a lot of FUN! I took them to the international terminal and showed them the HUGE airplanes that Trenton and I would fly to Africa on. They asked questions and I answered them. We learned a lot in those 3 hours.

I am taking time now. Time to "be still". Time to listen. Time to Hear God's Voice. He speaks to us all the time. Through people, through experiences, through the beauty in the world all around. We just have to be open to "hear" Him.

This Easter Sunday I encourage you to make the commitment to take some time for you. Time to be still and let God speak to you.

You'll be glad you did!

XOXO
Happy Easter!

Janean

I'm still here!

2010-03-18T11:09:00.000-07:00

I have gotten several emails asking if I had dropped off the face of the earth! No...at times I wish - but I am still here!

The past days have been spent going and doing. We had our Road to Rwanda Chili Cook Off - which was exhausting and wonderful!

We had our Rwanda Training and Payment Deadline - which was a test. The Lord challenged me to trust in Him to provide and He showed up! Trenton and I met our goal and if my calculations are correct we even exceeded it! We now are raising funds to meet our final deadline on May 26th of $3000, of which we need approx $2500!

We will be doing another Garage Sale this weekend and I am busy doing Portrait Sessions to benefit our Trip Fund.

Lil Trevan is sick with bronchitis and we spent the night in the Emergency Room with him.

We are loving the beautiful weather -- sunny like summer days! I have a ton of photos to edit and galleries to create and catch up on. I am doing a very timely system back up then off to work I will go today!

Taylor is holding on day to day. Things last week were a total mess and at times I just threw my hands in the air. I was forced in the midst of planning our Chili Cook Off to just "let go and let God". As hard as it is and was - I had no other choice in the matter.

Taylor is on the waiting list at the Phoenix House and will be spending 45 days in Rehab. He has also been placed on 3 years formal probation. We have prayed and prayed for many years that he would get the help he needs. He is currently home with us and we take it minute to minute.

So, I am now off to hold Trevan and give him some of that love that only a mama can when you are sick. I am excited to get out in the warm sunshine today!

I pray you have a wonderful day too!
XoXo
Janean

Pampered Chef Fundraiser for Trenton and I - Road to RWANDA!

2010-03-07T13:11:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow night we will be having a Pampered Chef Fundraiser to benefit our Trip to RWANDA!

You can place an order to help us out by clicking the link below!

Pampered Chef Consultant Vicky Viajar

Only orders placed through Vicky will count toward our
trip fund!
Email to let me know you ordered!
gigglemoon@mac.com

We appreciate your help!

XOXO
Janean

Cupcakes...

2010-03-04T19:48:00.000-08:00

I will have to say - I have a weakness for cupcakes. I get really excited by cupcakes. They are just the perfect size to satisfy my sweet tooth. Yummy moist cake and creamy sweet frosting - my favorite combination. You can get all different flavors of cake. They come beautifully decorated with doo-dads and sprinkles. Some plain some fancy - I don't care - as long as they taste sinfully sweet.

Lately our fund raising efforts have been a lot like the long anticipated dessert. We are working hard and despite rain and other challenges - the Lord continues to add doo dads and sprinkles to our "cupcake". I have so blessed by people who have helped Trenton and I - whether it be with a small sprinkles or a whole cupcake.

I don't get to eat cupcakes very often - perhaps that is why I enjoy them so much when I do. Kinda like fund raising. You write letter after letter, post on Facebook and then post again - only to get nothing. Then when you do get a response the rewards are so great! I get so excited over $5! It may not be huge but it is the thought behind it. The mere fact that someone cares enough about MY dream - to help me achieve my goal.

Trenton and I are taking a whole crew of loving and caring people with us when we go to Rwanda. Without the love, support and prayers from so many - people we love and care for to people we have never even met - our trip would not be possible.

God has a purpose for all of us. I was created to Love Him and share His love with others. I am so excited to shine in Africa. I again thank you - all of you - whether you can help us with our funds or by prayer - you mean so much to us.

Most of all - I owe my thanks to God for pouring his abundant blessings down on us.
XOXO
Janean

Calling all Chili Lovers!

2010-03-03T10:56:00.000-08:00

Calling all Chili Lovers!

We invite you to our

ROAD TO RWANDA
CHILI COOK OFF!
Food, Fun and Prizes!

Where:

The Ayres Suites Mission Viejo
28941 Los Alisos Boulevard
Mission Viejo, California, 92692

When: Friday March 12, 2010

Time:

TO GO ORDERS - 5 pm to 6 pm
SEATING ONE - 6 pm to 7 pm
SEATING TWO - 7 pm to 8 pm

WINNER ANNOUNCED - 8:30 pm

Chili Dinner - $5 - Includes Chili, Chips, Dessert and Drink!
Other yummy Desserts will be available for purchase!

WE are PRE-SELLING Tickets so we know

how much food to prepare!

Taste all the contestants chili and drop a quarter in their jar to cast your vote! The cook with the most quarters will win!

LOVE TO COOK? Do you make an AWARD WINNING CHILI??

Enter to win great prizes!
Cook's Entry Fee $25 ... email: gigglemoon@mac.com for details on entering the cook off!

ALL PROCEEDS WILL GO TOWARDS OUR TEAM'S MISSION TRIP TO RWANDA!

Come for fun, food and fellowship!

If you can't come but would love to help us with a donation of desserts, chili, chips, paper goods or money - just let us know!
email Janean at: gigglemoon@mac.com

Baby Steps...

2010-03-01T11:02:00.000-08:00

Today I am exhausted. I had an action packed weekend. Trenton and I along with the Plaza Family did a Fundraiser for RWANDA. Despite the pouring rain and chilly temps - we had our garage sale and BBQ. God keeps us encouraged one baby step at a time. We were able to each earn $100 and then give Team 1 $100. We also broke even on our food expense. Baby Step by Baby Step we are inching along.

I told a friend this morning that if the funds came too easily none of us would apprciate the process. Once I touch down on African soil all the hard work, anticipation, stress and exhaustion will be all worth it!

On Friday we received our Passports in the mail! I was so happy I did a happy dance all around my living room. Much to the dismay of my family -- who all thought I had lost my mind -- I was elated!
With the help of my tireless friend Charity we then went to set up the sale and purchase the food. We had a great time laughing together! We were blessed by people who came on Saturday and met some wonderful new friends!

After a long day in the rain I headed to Disneyland with my mom to watch my nieces compete in the National Cheer Competition. We were sad that they did not take FIRST PLACE as they deserved - but were happy that they got SECOND. They worked so hard and looked fantastic!

Saturday I did a family portrait session then took my boys to enjoy Kyle Rosser's 7th Birthday. My boys were in their element at the awesome Star Wars Party that they put on. I saw old friends and had a great time watching my boys play until they were ready to drop!

We then headed to Grandma's to await the arrival of my brother and the cousins so we could all enjoy a home cooked meal together. We enjoyed each others company then headed home to get the kids into bed.

So here we are. Inch by inch I will get done what has to be done. Am I worried that Trenton and I need $1300 each in the next two weeks? Yes. But I know with God all things are possible and that He is so faithful. I now need to be as well!

I will work hard in my fund raising efforts and dollar by dollar I will appreciate each tiny step we take closer to our goal!

I pray that the rain will stay away and that you will have a blessed week!
XOXO
Janean

Sunday - Sunday

2010-02-21T16:28:00.000-08:00

The days pass by so quickly and then I wonder where they have gone. SO much to do. It is hard to believe that March is almost here. It seems like just yesterday we were taking down Christmas decorations! Turner was sick all last week with a high fever - now Trevan has it. I still have a nagging lingering cough which I can't wait to shake!

I have been busy on the business front - making a new blog for Giggle Moon Photography. I have been editing photos and spending time with my friend Charity. Our kids just love each other and it is so great to have a little girl to play with!

I have wedding photos to edit and a wedding album to complete as I also prepare this week for our Road to RWANDA Garage Sale. It will be Saturday February 27th from 6:30 am till 2:00pm.

We will be cooking a BBQ Lunch and it will take place at the home of the Plaza Family.

They live at 24 Moccasin Trail in Trabuco Canyon. Be sure to come by for a grilled burger or hot dog! Stace, Trenton, Dave and Christopher will be cooking! We are selling lunch and goodies along with a host of items to raise funds for our trip. Come on by!

It is a cloudy day and it makes me miss the sunny skies and beach weather. I just can't get enough of the salt air and sea breezes!

Soon Stace and I will be looking for a new place to live as our lease here is up soon. We need to find a condo/town home with a garage and washer and dryer. The laundry situation here is killing us! It is just so not cool to haul all that laundry down 2 flights of stairs and then jockey for the machines. The cost is adding up and I just long to be able to do a load when I want to. Pray we will find something affordable in a nice location.

I still sit here in my pajamas and need to get a bite to eat. All work and no play can burn a girl out! I may just take Charity up on the offer to come to her home for dinner - stir fry sounds amazing right about now! Thank God for awesome friends!

Until next time...
XOXO
Janean

Fly Away

2010-02-11T16:43:00.000-08:00

Like I have expressed so many times before - I wish I could just sprout wings and take flight. I would fly away. Just like that. Fly to somewhere peaceful, warm and secure. Away from here. Away from my life as I know it right now.

We have had a tumultuous week with Taylor. Turner has had a high fever - some sort of flu. Now I have it. I do not even know where to begin with Taylor - other than he was accepted to a Crisis Residential Center and did not want to go.

He went this morning and then decided to leave. He called and asked to be taken to a mental hospital. Does he want help or is this a ploy?

As I sit here with my head pounding, my throat grows tight and then a wave of coughing erupts from within. My head pounds harder especially listening to the demands of the little boys. One is thirsty one hungry. Turner is hot again and needs meds. I await for a phone call from Stace to see what is the situation with Taylor.

Just as I expected - the phone rings and jolts through to my inner core. Taylor is begging to come home. Just ONE more chance. Like a million times before. One more chance.

We can not make him understand. He is out of control. He wants what he wants when he wants it. An addicts mentality. Manipulation. A fungus that is growing rapidly.

Twisting a parents heart and ripping it out of their chest - that is what kids with addiction do. They beg. They cry. They play on your sympathy. They get you so confused and wear you down until there is nothing left of you.

He is my SON. My CHILD. Yet he now lives in an adults body with the mind of a little boy. He does grown up things that are so stupid, then recoils like a young child. "I'm SO sorry...I won't do it again."

I am catapulted back to 1995 when he was 5 and he tried to sneak a fresh hot chocolate chip cookie. He was too small to reach them and in his efforts to get the one that I had placed so neatly on the top of the pile, he knocked the plate to the floor. Cookies spilled all over and the plate broke into pieces. He stood in the midst of the mess with his shock of blond hair and his sky blue eyes filling with tears. "I am SO sorry Mommy...I didn't mean to."

I know HE doesn't mean to yell and hit things. I know HE doesn't mean to leave and not come back for hours. I know HE doesn't mean to come into our home under the influence of drugs and or alcohol. HE doesn't...but the disease does. The addiction that has invaded him like a monster means to. It will not leave us alone. It haunts us in our waking moments. I creeps about when we are asleep, lurking and stealing our peace. It makes his depression dark, dingy and horrible.

Where is the help? What do we do? Stace is out of work still. The fact we may not have a rood overhead next month is just a side note at this point. We have been there before. One more challenge...

Cry out to Jesus.

This is my only answer. So, Jesus here we are. We are crying out to you. We need you. Can you hear our cries? We are confused. We are weary. We are burdened. We are lost. Come find us. Help us find the way...

XoXo

Janean

Two steps forward...three steps back

2010-02-08T12:13:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like all I have left is prayer.

This weekend was filled with a lot of emotional lows. Taylor is on a slippery slope and unfortunately we are on that slope with him. He made some choices this weekend that were very disheartening. He spent a night in the streets between Anaheim and Buena Park and ended up in Cypress. He was assaulted and robbed. He is not welcome back to the shelter that he was placed in.

My heart breaks that he is imprisoned by the strong holds of addiction and mental illness. I want with every fiber of my being to push rewind and go back to when he was just 5 years old. I want to call out to God and beg for a "do over".

As a parent you can not help but analyze the past and try to figure out why all the madness. Where do we go wrong? What choices could we have made? What and where did things go so far off track?

One thing, then another. Life creeps in. Cars break down in the midst of dealing with Taylor's tragic situation. Kids run fevers and are up coughing all night long. Teenage son is failing in school. You get a letter on Saturday that one of the boys has missed too much school and now you are in trouble. Things piling up. One teetering on top of the other. You find you and your spouse are on different pages in different books. Marriage is just a word. No answers. No where to run.

Situations beyond my control. I am trying to keep a very long train on it's track and am not doing a very good job of it. I feel like I have climbed almost to the tippy top of a mountain and I am losing my foothold with each step. God, please help me! I am reaching my hand up high waiting patiently for him to pull me up.

I know he will not let me fall. I just have to hold on. It is so hard, as I am so human. I want to run away. I want to hide and wait for God to iron things out. I do not want to keep facing each challenge. I am growing tired. I am weary. I am going to run to God as I know he promises to give me rest. It is just so hard to "find Him" in this dark place. I will hold on and search for the light - as it is all I can do.

Please pray for me. Pray for us. Pray for Taylor.

XoXo

Janean

Waiting...

2010-02-04T19:43:00.000-08:00

Waiting.

That is the hardest part.

Have you ever had to wait for a bad haircut to grow out? Have you ever been anxious paint to dry? Have you worked hard and waited for that promotion? I hate waiting.

We waited the week out praying that each day Taylor would make it through in his new temporary home.

We had a busy weekend. I was reunited with an old friend. The years that have passed made our reunion all the better. I was overcome with excitement and joy and cherished spending time with her. We waited for Taylor's court date on Tuesday. As they say, the wheels of justice turn slowly. In court we waited...and waited...and waited.

Taylor goes back on March 3rd. He has been given the opportunity to seek Residential Rehab for a minimum of 6 months. He will then have the charges dropped and be given 3 years formal probation, with 2 being informal if he goes a year with no problems. If on the 3rd of March he has done nothing to get into a Rehab Facility they will put him in jail for 6 months. This is for the charges of resisting arrest, assault of a code enforcement officer and brandishing a deadly weapon last March when he was very intoxicated.

Now we WAIT some more. The Phoenix House has a 12 week wait. We will go interview on Tuesday - to be placed on a waiting list. Then we will wait to see when he can get in.

He has to appear in court on the 16th for a recent charge of being under the influence of a controlled substance. We will wait and see what will happen in this case. More waiting.

I have never been good at waiting but am learning to have patience. I think as we get older we learn that we have to wait and wait for things.

So we are now waiting to see what is God's plan for Taylor's life. As with everything it is all in His hands!

I will keep you posted as things develop!

XoXo
Janean

Will there be a new chapter?

2010-01-28T19:25:00.000-08:00

When we become parents there are no guarantees. Such is life. I am praying that there will be a new chapter in our lives as Taylor hits a rock bottom. It is not his first rock bottom and may not be his last - but I can pray that it is.

I pray that the new chapter that we will embark upon will be one of healing and success. This is always the hope of a parent. We pray that we do the best job that we can and that our kids end up successful. We have our hopes and dreams for their lives. Whatever that may look like.

Each person has a different yardstick in which they gauge success. For one child it may be simply graduating high school and finding a career that they are suited for, shaped for and that they will be gainfully employed and happy. A success. For another child it may mean a scholarship to a great college, graduating with a degree and doing something they love as their lifelong career. A success. For another it may simply be overcoming drug and alcohol addiction and learning to live with mental illness and a brain injury, then getting a stable job and making ends meet. A success.

I am not here to judge my children, but am here to guide them and support them the best I know how. I am blessed that the Lord is placing people in our path that care to lend an ear, send a caring email and let us know that they are not criticizing our choices but are helping us along with prayer and support.

I can't say that I am necessary the happiest that I have ever been. But I do have a good life. I am learning to live simply so that we can simply live.

I appreciate people and their differences more today than I ever have. I appreciate simple things like a friend buying me a mega pack of toilet paper. I enjoy a simple cup of coffee and a sinful treat that is not on my diet. I have learned who in my life drains me and who energizes my inner soul.

I know that I am allowed to break down, stumble and fall. I also know that I have awesome friends and family that I can call on to help me up and set me back on my path. When all else fails and I feel like I can't go on, the Lord is here to carry me in the palm of His mighty hand. For that I am grateful - that is my guarantee. The only guarantee in life.

That is all I need.

XoXo

Janean

Prayer...

2010-01-27T12:05:00.000-08:00

This Little Prayer Of Mine

At times I can do nothing but...PRAY.

Taylor missed the bus that was to take him from the Homeless Shelter to the Community Center where he was to stay from 9:00am to 3:00pm. He is not allowed back in the Shelter until 3:00pm. He has no money and made a collect call to us asking us to bring him money for food and take him from Anaheim to Santa Ana. I had to say a prayer and tell him "No."

Our actions have consequences and he needs to learn this. Tough as it is. Having Taylor removed from our home has taken a toll on the other 3 kids. They already miss Taylor and do not understand. Trevan thinks that if he is naughty we may take him and drop him off to live in another home, like we did yesterday with Taylor. They know Taylor has issues but at the tender ages of 5 and 6 have no comprehension of addiction and mental illness.

I told Trevan and Turner they can pray for their brother to be healed. I was so thrilled this morning when I got the email from the author of this new book - "This Little Prayer Of Mine". My boys have been learning to pray at Kids Small Group at Church and they are great little prayer warriors. I am so anxious to get this book for them.

Anthony DeStefano also wrote the books:

Ten Prayers God Always Says Yes To…

and

A Travel Guide to Heaven

Prayer will be a great source of comfort for us as we take yet another journey with our prodigal son, Taylor.

**"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you..." Luke 15:21**

We pray that the Lord returns our son to us - the fair haired blue eyed boy - the one who wanted to serve Jesus and become a Pastor when he was just 8 years old. Nothing is impossible with God - we know this and will cling to this promise as we take it one day at a time...

XoXo

Janean

Jer 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ...

Tough Love...For the Greater Good...

2010-01-26T15:56:00.000-08:00

I am finding it hard to find the words to describe the feeling I have at this moment as I drive away from leaving my own flesh and blood in an Emergency Homeless Shelter. We found ourselves here in front of a large home in Anaheim. It is situated in a busy neighborhood. A black lab runs freely around the nearby cul-de-sac dragging it's front leg that is lame. A mailman is delivering the mail. We make our way into the "shelter" home to find it neat and tidy but not clean. The decor is dark wood paneling a look I remember from the 70's with a dark wooden floor that has dirt and leaves that has blown against the baseboards and collected there in a neat line. The large family room sports a big television and cloth sofa and love seat with a teal and peach tropical print from the 80's. The "manager on duty" was very nice and shared that she has been homeless for 4 months and will be moving soon to another home. A small frail lady comes around the corner speaking loudly "WHO IS HERE?" she shouts. Her large eyeglasses have slid down her small nose and her long gray hair is matted to her head. She seemed disoriented and awkward as we introduced ourselves. She in a flash turned and disappeared behind a wall.

Taylor looked at me in amazement with fear in his eyes. I knew with every fiber of his being he wanted to bolt for the door. I hugged him and he was staring me in the eyes begging me not to leave him there.

Tough love.

Our hand was forced by his lack of self control. The abyss of his addiction has plunged us to these measures. Last night he was hospitalized for the 8th time in less than a year. He shoplifted a bottle of gin and consumed nearly 750 ml. He grew horribly ill and we feared his body could not handle the flood of this poison. A week ago he tried to cut himself and was hospitalized. Hours after his release he was gone. He got high and intoxicated and was found wandering the street 3 miles from home. He was arrested on 1 count of "under the influence of a controlled substance". Saturday night he stole money from us and came home yet again high and drunk. We told him that enough was enough and we needed him to make a choice to get help or move out.

Sunday he got enraged when he wanted money and his father said "NO". He became physical with his dad and we knew that come Monday we needed to find a new plan to help him help himself. We called his Care Coordinator that was assigned after his first incident last March and he was to interview with Phoenix House this morning for re-hab placement. Before I could even tell him - he had slipped out to the store and stole the bottle of alcohol.

He was held last night and transferred this morning to a county evaluation center. This is the place that decides the fate of all people who have medi-cal or no private insurance. We were told that they are an emergency psych assessment facility and they do not feel he meets the criteria to receive help. He needs drug and alcohol treatment. We know this. The drug and alcohol treatment facilities will not take him because he is on meds for his mental health! No one will help us help our son - yet again.

We stood firm and told him - NO MORE. We could not have him come home again and run the risk of getting us evicted due to his behavior. We owe it to the other 3 kids to provide them with a safe, calm home. Not one where Taylor's unpredictable outbursts sends the little ones crying or puts any of them in harms way. We can't do it any more. Taylor breaks all the rules and pushes past all the boundaries.

He was left with no choice other than to agree to an Emergency Homeless Shelter as he awaits placement in a Crisis Residential Treatment Home. It could be a day - or two weeks. This place will then treat him for up to 3 weeks while he awaits a bed at a county run drug and alcohol rehab facility. He goes to court in a week and they may mandate rehab or jail.

It breaks my heart to know he thinks we are turning our back on him - but it is quite the opposite. We are doing what has to be done for the greater good. I only pray that one day the God shaped hole in his heart is filled by the Holy Spirit and he can see we acted out in love.

I can only pray that a day or two or perhaps a week to a month in a homeless shelter will make him realize that the rules at home were not so bad... Perhaps 30, 60 or 90 days now will allow him to live for years and years to come not bound by the ugliness of addiction and lack of self control.

XOXO
A broken hearted mom...
Janean

"How blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, because the kingdom of heaven belongs to them!

I do not expect anyone to understand what choices we have made - as they have not walked a day in my shoes. I respect that everyone has an opinion and we are all entitled to that. Please extend kindness and grace and say a prayer for us...

Own It!

2010-01-24T17:59:00.000-08:00

Ryan age 2 photographed during Gabriel's Birthday Party (Gabriel is in Turner's Class)

You have gotta love 2 year olds. This little man, Ryan captivated me during a Birthday Party that we attended today. As you can see he was wearing his RAIN BOOTS and he was OWNING IT! I loved his sense of style and his confidence. It is so great to see the innocence and unspoiled pureness of a child's heart.

We all should take a lesson from kids. Wear your rain boots on a sunny day. March if you want to march, sing if you want to sing. Dance like no one is watching and enjoy everything you do with a child's perspective. I wish as a society we were all more accepting of those who are different. Our world needs a large dose of tolerance! We are all so different and God made us this way for a purpose. Our differences make life interesting! So, why is it that people spend so much time focusing on things that are "out of the box" and acting like that is such a bad thing?

Having 4 boys it is very clear how VERY different we all are. Each one has things that they love and hate. Some are so bold in their opinions and some keep it to themselves.

I wish with all my heart that my oldest could OWN his problems. He is on a downward spiral and try as we may to help him see where he is headed - he won't see...or perhaps can't see. As a parent watching your kids fall and not being able to pick them up is heartbreaking. No matter their age - you want to swoop in and rescue them from the world - or from themselves.

Mental illness, brain injury, addiction. These are all things that make up Taylor. We have tried to help him time and again. The lines are blurred as we deal with medical issues. If he were just a rebellious teen we could take a harder line. His mental state is a fragile one, combined with his issues with anger and his strong addictions, make it nearly impossible for us to know what to do to help him.

Pray. I pray and pray. I ask God to help us help him. I know that he like the two year old above must OWN IT. Sadly instead of rockin his rain boots and owning the world - Taylor has to own his addictions, inner demons and mental illness. Hard things to swallow.

I will keep you updated - tomorrow we need to make a move towards an intervention. Taylor will end up dead or in jail if we don't. So if you will...say a prayer for us, and for Taylor. Pray for people to come into our lives who can finally make a difference and get through to our son, to help him and to heal him from this ugly disease of drug and alcohol addiction.

XOXO
Janean

Happiness...

2010-01-20T16:09:00.000-08:00

Happiness....

Happiness is one of the most important treasures. It is within your soul. All you have to do, is dig it out and enjoy it.

There is no need to search for happiness or to create it. There is no need to undergo all kinds of external experiences in order to enjoy it. It is always here, deep within your soul.

Happiness comes from within.
Your attitude decides whether you are happy or not. You can change your attitude.

Happiness is a state of mind. More correctly put, it is the state beyond the mind.
It is our attitude that makes us feel happy or unhappy.

Your thoughts and worries hide away your happiness.
If you smile while you talk, you make people happy.

As we sit today in this winter storm watching the high surf on the news, learning of flooding and road closures we are a bit anxious about leaving tonight to get to church to teach Kids Small Group.

We really did nothing today and most would classify this day as boring. But I am happy. Happy to do nothing. Happy to be inside and warm and dry.

In a bit we will venture out - braving the rain and wind to go serve a mighty God. He has called us to serve - so for that I am happy. I am happy to go and happy to comply. I will greet my KSG Kids with a smile and let them know how happy I am that they came.

Tonight we are learning about Heaven and what Heaven may be like. It is after all the HAPPIEST place ever!

I hope that where ever you are - you are safe, warm and happy. Remember...Happiness is but a state of mind!

XoXo
Janean

Here comes the rain again...

2010-01-18T21:57:00.000-08:00

The loves of my life - my kids and my nieces and nephews...

Rainy days are here! We got spoiled by the warm southern California winter weather. We had an interesting day. It started with me getting up before everyone and having a blissful 2 hours to myself to sip coffee and listen to the rain. We then lit candles put on 95.9 the fish and listened to music while tidying up the house. Stace braved the elements and went to the grocery store. Later we tackled doing laundry in the rain - not so much fun...but got 9 loads done! We finished the night off with a yummy pork chop dinner with fresh fruit and salad. Taylor and Trenton took advantage of the break in the rain and walked to the store to buy some yogurt, granola and berries for dessert.

I like it when things are a bit calmer. Don't get me wrong - the day was filled with playing referee between the boys and moments of frustration...BUT for the most part it was enjoyable.

Now our week will start tomorrow and we are in for lots of rain. We'll see how getting the kids to school in the rain goes! I love the rain when you can stay indoors...I hate getting all cold and wet!

I pray that you had a great 3 day weekend! I got to go see LEAP YEAR for the second time around yesterday and it was as great as the first! I love movies! I have now seen LEAP YEAR and IT'S COMPLICATED - 2 great movies! I look forward to seeing some of the other romantic comedies that are "Coming Soon". What a great way to escape life for a couple of hours!

Well...it is time to hit the hay...

Goodnight all!

XoXo
Janean

Climbing a mountian...

2010-01-14T11:20:00.000-08:00

My ROMEO - who lives with my parents now...

Today is a curl up in your jammies and snuggle with your puppy kind of day. Unfortunately I won't be doing that. I feel like I could - and wish that it was an option.

Yesterday while in the shower I was pondering over a conversation that I had recently had with someone. They do not have a strong relationship with Christ and they told me that I was so lucky. When I inquired as to why they felt this way their answer surprised me. They said - you are "SO Christian" and therefor you are protected from bad things happening.

I had to laugh which I think startled them. I said - I use to think this way about people to a degree, but now I know otherwise. It seems the closer you get to the Lord and the harder you try to walk on the right path the enemy is after you even more.

We are going on Mission to Africa. I have been on 2 other mission trips and know that as the plans come together the enemy works hard to stop the good from happening. The first time I experienced this it was surreal. I had heard that this happens - but had not lived it. It is very real.

I was feeling good that nothing so far has come up since Trenton and I took the leap of faith and made the commitment to go to Rwanda this summer. I was feeling too good. Then the other shoe dropped a few hours later. Taylor who has struggled for a long while suffered a setback and a situation occurred yesterday. It was very emotionally draining and try as I may to protect all my kids sometimes you just can't.

Taylor was taken to the hospital where he is now and we are going to have another mountain to climb with him. As a mom it does not matter how old your child is - you still have the innate desire to protect them and help them in any way possible. When a child suffers mental illness and addiction there are no "mommy fixes". It kills me to sit by and watch my son struggle just to go on each and every day.

The enemy. He is attacking me through my family. He is trying to weaken my core. I will not let him succeed. It says in Ephesians 10 -20 :

The Armor of God

¹⁰Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. ¹²For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. ¹⁸And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

¹⁹Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, ²⁰for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

I have to rest in the word and know that "I can do all things thorough Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

So, no. Just because I profess to be a follower of Christ am I automatically protected from evil. What I do have is faith and hope that the Lord will never leave me nor forsake me. He has me in the palm of His hand and He loves my son more than I ever could. So with that knowledge I am forced to turn him over to God and believe that He will help push us up this mountain.

It is not easy. It is not fun. Being a parent is one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever experienced. But the joy can be overwhelming at times too. It is a give and a take.

So I am giving my son over to God so that I may take the joy, or grief that comes. Whatever will be - will be. It is all in God's plan.

Help me. Pray for me to have strength to deal with the things that need to be dealt with. Pray for us to be strong and help Taylor.

XoXo
Janean

Beyond you...

2010-01-12T14:26:00.000-08:00

A bumble bee or "bungle bee" as Trevan calls them - that we took time to notice.

How often in life are you so wrapped up in YOU that you forget to notice the things and people that are beyond you? Yesterday is gone forever, tomorrow may never come so today is all we really have.

I know that I spend a lot of time wondering, worrying and planning things that may or may not happen beyond today. I have really learned a lot as I have gotten older and have been put through a few fires. I still struggle though to enjoy the here and now from time to time.

Today on this warm 70 degree day in January I kicked off my shoes and went to get Turner from school barefoot. Trevan went along happily leaving his shoes behind. When my feet hit the soft green grass I stopped and took a moment. I allowed myself to feel the coolness and damp soft grass beneath my feet. If only for a moment...but I enjoyed that moment. We got Turner from class and had him too kick off his shoes. We then raced through the grass together laughing and giggling. These are the moments that count. Going beyond myself and sharing these moments with my kids.

I know people who are so self absorbed that they can't enjoy moments such as these. They are so consumed with appearances, their status, their homes, etc. It saddens me that people I know and care about can't take time to go beyond and enjoy life around them. Not only is it richly rewarding and satisfying it is a stress buster! I find when I take a deep breath and make an effort to "live life" as it comes I am fulfilled beyond measure.

God blesses us each day with hundreds of great blessings - how many do we take the time to really appreciate?

Tomorrow is a new day. If it comes, take the time to go beyond YOU and drink in some of life's rich blessings - where ever and how ever they come!

XOXO
Janean

Soaring!

2010-01-11T09:28:00.000-08:00

What a great year this is shaping up to be! I know we are only 11 days in - but hey...gotta be optimistic!

We had a great time at Disneyland on Friday - it was the boys second time going. We went with my mom, Chloe, Megan, Trudi and Mari. The kids were 3 and 4 last time we got to go and now being old and wise at ages 5 and 6 they had a super time! They braved many of the roller coasters
(and mom did too) and had a blast. We were there 13 hours and not one melt down! It helps tremendously that we are allowed a special pass that allows us to get right on the rides! We waited longer in lines for our meals than we did to ride any given ride! The boys can't wait to go again...Turner did not care for the Pirates of the Caribbean ride and wishes to do without that one in the future!

Sunday Trenton and I had our second Mission Trip Training and we are happy to report that we were able to turn in our deposit money! We got more than the required $1000 and now need to raise $4000 by March. We have a small head start on that goal which makes me so happy! We got our trip assignments last night and we will be traveling on the second team July 8th to the 23rd. We couldn't be more pleased with our team! It is so exciting! We now have to get passports and raise money for our immunizations which are very costly. Pray for our fund raising efforts! We are busy brainstorming now to find a way to raise the over $6000 more that we need! Email me with any ideas you have!

If you wish to help support us - make a check out to SADDLEBACK CHURCH and mail it to us at:

Janean Lindner
28715 Los Alisos Blvd Ste 7-348
Mission Viejo, CA 92692

NO DONATION IS TOO SMALL! Dollars add up! We need all the help we can get!

Trenton and I are leaders of a Kids Small Group on Wednesday nights - we teach Class 101, How to Know Jesus. I am so pleased that 5 of our kids are going to be baptized! We just had Baptism Class on Wednesday and we had over 200 kiddos attend class and 125 that are ready to Baptized for the first time! WOW! Praise God! It is such a special moment - I can't wait to be there and witness this!

My goal is to get in shape for RWANDA and try to lose 1 pound a week until we go. I am already down 4 pounds - so wish me luck and say some prayers for my endurance! I do not relish exercise!

Have a great day - I am off to do some fund raising! I am so excited to go to Africa!
XoXo
Janean

To be free...

2010-01-07T21:48:00.000-08:00

Seagull captured at Woodbridge Lake in Irvine, CA

I wish I were as free as a bird sometimes. No, a lot of the time. Wouldn't it be great if you could just sprout wings and fly away when you felt like it? I think it would be just grand! You would see me flying all over!

I love watching the birds. Today Trevan and I went to the lake to feed the ducks and ended up feeding the seagulls instead. They are very clever birds. Quickly a select few caught on to our game. They would flock around after circling over head and we would throw little bread balls high into the air so they could catch them in flight. It was a ton of fun! We decided that we would come back with Turner and Taylor later in the afternoon.

We did just that. This time I did not bring my camera and should have. Turner has such a way with animals. We frequent the lake often and the swan is so elusive. Today as my luck would have it the beautiful bird came gliding over and stood on the step leading to the kids play area. Turner was there speaking softly to him. He turned his head this way then that as if he understood Turner's praises.

"Oh yes, look at you! You are such a beautiful creature!" he crooned. "Oh how I love your white feathers!" he whispered. He moved slowly and carefully as to not scare the magnificent bird. I wish I had brought my camera! Darn it!

Perhaps we can be so lucky again in the near future when mom is more prepared! If our weather continues to be "Summer-Like" we may have a good chance!

Tomorrow we will be going to Disneyland...the happiest place on earth. Or, so they say! Turner and Trevan have only been once and being that Grandpa retired from Disney - we get in FREE!

Ahhh, the best things in life are free! Free as the birds of the air!

I will be sure to have my camera this time and will let you know how our special day with Grandma, Chloe, Megan, Trudi and Mari is!

XoXo

Janean

Who could ask for more?

2010-01-05T15:19:00.000-08:00

My Rosebud and my Bitty Bee

What a beautiful day in January! Blue Topaz colored skies, gentle warm breeze blowing, trees with leaves still changing to their fall colors. I am in heaven! I am missing my 2 nieces (and my nephies too). I took the boys to the lake after school today. "Swan Lake" is what we call it. Their school is a stone's throw from The North Lake here in Woodbridge. It is beautiful. A large bridge with a gazebo and a kiddie park on the shore situated next to a beach.

We took junk foods that I cleared out of the cabinet and tried to lure the elusive swan from it's slumber in the sun. We tossed corn chips to the ducks from the bridge and the swan became curious. She then entered the water with the grace that only a swan possesses and glided gently over to check out the menu. When we broke out the granola with fruit bits that had gotten pushed to the back of the cabinet and was a bit stale for my palate, she became excited. She flapped her wings and honked at the ducks to insure that she had plenty for her consumption.

I took a seat on a nice bench while the kids played on the equipment. I scanned my surrounding and took in the splendor and beauty of dozens of seagulls flying overhead. Their white wings sparkled against the crisp blue sky. I pointed out this magnificent sight to Trevan who chirped back "Oh Yeah!" In that moment I missed my Bailee May and Brynnie. My 2 nieces - the only girls in my life. Bailee who has a keen eye and love for photography would have appreciated my vantage point. She would have been along side me snapping photos with an old camera I gave her.

I wish that they lived closer. I love my girl time. Curling and brushing their hair and going shopping. Things I do not get to enjoy with 4 boys!

In a blink they will all be grown up and I will be sad that I missed so much.

I treasure these moments with my boys, though. They run and jump chasing the gulls. They climb and tumble down the slide. Content to just be boys. Who could ask for anything more?

I will relish in the rest of this beautiful day and perhaps we will coax daddy to walk to the lake when he gets home, this time camera in hand!

Stay tuned...I'll post photos if we do!

XoXo

Janean

Happy New You!

2010-01-04T08:45:00.000-08:00

Taylor, Brenton, Trenton, Bailee, Blaine, Bryson, Ben, Brynne, Trevan and Turner

Happy New YOU and

Happy 65th Birthday to my MAMA~

I have been abundantly blessed this Holiday Season! I got to share this Holiday with both my brothers and their kids! We spent time at my parent's house. It has been a long time since all the cousins were together and a fun time was had by all. Spending time with those I love is the best gift I could ever get. We laughed and played. It was just magnificent!

So, here we are. A new year. It seems that I started this blog a year ago on the way to the NEW ME. Some things in life you conquer and I am afraid that all the goals and visions I had for 2009 were not realized. So, such is life. I now have 2010.

I took the week after Christmas to "just be" in the moment and enjoy my kids and my nieces and nephews. Now today is here. I will make my "bucket list" for this year. I will do some cleaning of my "Mental Closets" and leap into this new year. I am filled with HOPE and ENTHUSIASM.

I love a fresh start. I am so glad that we are not allowed to travel back in time, as I would be greatly confused if this were the case! We are forced to move forward and for that I am thankful.

The Lord has blessed us, provided for us and carried us along the past couple of years that have been full of trials and challenges. This year it is my goal to "give back" to God. I will make a effort to ask Him where He wants me to go, what He wants me to say and pray that I can do a job that He will be proud of. I am open for Him to use me for His glory.

Many of you know Trenton and I are going to RWANDA this Summer. We still have a lot of money to raise for our Trip. Our first installment is due January 10th. Please pray with us and ask that the Lord touches the hearts of many to help not only us but the others on our team raise the funds needed.

I am SO excited about going! I am going to be writing my letter this week and sending out my donation requests. Each donation is so special to me, as I feel that people are investing in Trenton and I and in a dream that I have always had. I have wanted to go to Africa since I was a little girl. My dream has been to experience the world, as we don't often get this chance. I know I will be forever changed.

I am off to make my "2010 Bucket List" of Goals and Objectives, Dreams and Wishes. When I am done - I will post it for your entertainment!

Make it a GREAT Day!

XoXo

Janean

OKAY - here is my LIST...

2010 Bucket List of Goals, Wishes and Dreams

( I reserve the right to revise this list on a whim!)

GOALS
My goals are to...
Concentrate of Growing Spiritually
Raise funds needed to go to RWANDA
Deepen Friendships by spending quality time with people
"Weed" my friend garden
Say "No" more often
Become financially secure
Recharge my marriage and home life by communicating more
Lose 1 pound a week from now until June
Reduce, Reuse and Recycle
Clean out all the Closets
Dig deeper into the technical aspects of photography
Grow my business
Invest in myself
Laugh more
Concentrate more on the "here and NOW" not on "what MAY be"
Take more risks by "putting myself out there" more and not playing it safe
To be more organized

WISHES
I wish ...
To be less stressed
To be able to afford a larger place with Washer and Dryer (the coin operated community laundry room is killing us!)
To buy some new photo equipment
To be able to "enjoy" exercise
To experience more beauty in nature and take more photo expeditions
To Travel more this year

DREAMS
My dream is...
To have no regrets
To reconnect with old friends
To become all that I can be
To be proud of myself
To realize all my goals and wishes

Finding Joy when Joy does not find you...

2009-12-22T11:01:00.000-08:00

Can JOY be bought?

Sadly I received a message from an old friend who shared with me that she has a hard time "keeping up" with me. She shared that she is irritated that I am able to "find" joy in life. She told me that she has no clue how to find joy in her life and is rather jealous that I can.

I called her and talked at great length. She has a beautiful home, but does not find joy in that. She has 3 wonderful cars, but does not find joy in them. She has 2 great kids, but they wear her out. Her husband earns six figures and she does not work, no joy there. She lives in a warm climate in a great small town. No joy.

It made me really ponder what joy is and how you find it when it does not find you.

So here is my take on JOY.

In this world that we live in there are plenty of "joy busters". The economic downturn, the H1N1 scare, people becoming jobless and homeless - so on and so on. If you spend any amount of time pondering these things - yes, your joy can be depleted. When you are hurt through one experience and then another you close your heart and want to protect it.

I know. I have been there.

After being hurt you are fearful that it will happen again. When you let your guard down and allow JOY to seep in, you are caught off guard and want to close up in an effort to protect yourself. You see JOY can only enter an open heart. If you go though life with the door to your heart slammed shut - JOY will never be allowed in.

We often get caught in the trap of what we THINK brings us joy. Most often we attach a price tag to these things. If I only had a bigger home, a nicer car, more money my bank account, these things would bring me less stress and then I could "find" joy.

Not so.

Joy is a fruit of the SPIRIT.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Galatians 5:22-23

So, back to the question - "How do you find joy if it does not find you?"

Joy is a RESULT of opening your heart, taking care of your inner self and allowing your heart to seek JOY.

Knowing that I am loved by God and that each new day I am afforded HIS Grace brings me joy. I am joyful when my kids tell me they love me. I feel joy when I hear birds singing outside. I feel joy when the sun shines on my face. Joy is what makes me feel like living.

JOY does not come from things that money can buy. JOY is a feeling.

It is amazing once you feel it. Once you allow JOY in you can't get enough of it!

Music can bring you joy. Nature can bring you joy. Loving people can bring you joy. Simply smiling can bring you joy. Millions of things that are right in front of you can bring you JOY! You just have to let it in!

It is simple.

JOY is all around. OPEN your heart and let some JOY in this Holiday Season!
I wish you all the JOY your heart can hold!

XoXo
Janean

Ahhh! First Day of Christmas Break!

2009-12-21T11:04:00.000-08:00

My lil guys!

Ahhh the first day of our Christmas Vacation! We slept in, are still in our jammies, are listening to Christmas Music while eating pancakes! Life is good!

My kids are very excited that Christmas is almost here, but even more excited that their Uncles and Cousins are coming!

Being together - that is the best gift of all! A true gift that money can not buy!

We plan on making cookies, playing games and spending time just being together. It has been a few years since all the cousins were together at the Holidays!

I still have some shopping to do and some "real life issues" that are putting a damper on my festivities.

It seems that bills are due, car insurance is up for renewal, etc. etc.

I just wish I could make those things GO AWAY so we could just concentrate on the celebration of Christ's Birth and the love that this Holiday brings!

Perhaps I will knuckle down and try to tackle these "dampers" today and get them out of the way!

We are so blessed to have BEAUTIFUL warm weather for the Holidays and I am loving every minute of it! It is neat to see the snow on T.V. and not have to get out in it! We are so ill equipped for cold weather! I do not even own a pair of closed toed shoes - just my UGG Boots!

It seems that the illness has returned to our house - both lil guys have bad coughs and Grandma came home from her cruise with a cough too. We will not let it get us down! We will push through and make this a fun filled holiday!

Here is wishing you get all your last minute preparations completed and that you can relax and enjoy your family!

XoXo

Janean

Janean. Just Janean

Finding Sunshine...

Something to hold on to...

My son...His son.

Love Change?

Getting old.

Time flies...

Precious Moments.

44 reasons why I have not updated my blog...

My wish for a day...

One of those days...

Happy Halloween...if there is such a thing!

Hold my hand...

Simplify. Period.

Forever Sunshine

Long time . . . no blog.

Murphy's Law

And...We're Off!

Friends old and new...

I'm here.

Weaving my way back...

Long Winding Road

Journey of Emotions

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

XOXOJanean

Twenty Two Days

Forcast today...Foggy with a chance of SUN

36 days and counting!

If Heaven Was Needing A Hero

Spiritual Warfare

43 days...

Forgiveness

Unburden your heart

Icing on the cake...

Like the grain of sand that lodges in an oyster shell and becomes a lovely pearl, the little irritations of life can bring the beauty of God's Splendor to your inner self...

layer by layer.

All In His Time...

Do you love without limits?

Unraveling...

2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (GOD’S WORD Translation)

Angels on Earth?

Expecting Miracles

I want to turn back the hands of time...

No words to describe...

Looking Up... It is my only option.

Listening...

I'm still here!

Pampered Chef Fundraiser for Trenton and I - Road to RWANDA!

Cupcakes...

Calling all Chili Lovers!

Baby Steps...

Sunday - Sunday

Fly Away

Two steps forward...three steps back

Waiting...

Will there be a new chapter?

Prayer...

A Travel Guide to Heaven

Prayer will be a great source of comfort for us as we take yet another journey with our prodigal son, Taylor.

"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you..." Luke 15:21

We pray that the Lord returns our son to us - the fair haired blue eyed boy - the one who wanted to serve Jesus and become a Pastor when he was just 8 years old. Nothing is impossible with God - we know this and will cling to this promise as we take it one day at a time...

XoXo

Janean

Jer 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ...

Tough Love...For the Greater Good...

Own It!

Happiness...

Here comes the rain again...

Climbing a mountian...

The Armor of God

Beyond you...

Soaring!

To be free...

Who could ask for more?

Happy New You!

Finding Joy when Joy does not find you...

Ahhh! First Day of Christmas Break!

XOXO
Janean

**"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you..." Luke 15:21**